Selfish Bastard :)

Yeah…no, it's completely not realistic for me to do this whole two-day trip. I was originally planning it as a single afternoon/evening for a reason, and even that wasn't sensible. It's one thing to feel like doing it in moments when I happen to feel better and more capable, but it's when I need to … Continue reading Selfish Bastard 🙂 →

Everything On The Table

Man I'm really struggling. I used to be able to find some real optimism and motivation, a goal that I could focus on to take precedence over the OCD, even throughout that ordeal in the shared house. For example one of those times was learning to grow house plants, then collecting them, with the idealistic … Continue reading Everything On The Table →

Updates

I'm basically surviving in the same mental state as I was in the hell house. The main limitation for 18 months has been a particularly consuming OCD compulsion. Everything else (including blogging) depends on overcoming that, which I am able to do for variable periods. I've said this before. Once I can do that, everything … Continue reading Updates →

A Sense Of Foreboding 😏

Uhhh my Universal Credit commitments have randomly changed to expecting me to look for work, coinciding (coincidentally) with having a different, male* work coach for my next appointment. I have a task in my Todo List asking me to 'accept the commitments agreed with my work coach'. I've just written a message saying that the … Continue reading A Sense Of Foreboding 😏 →

Busy With Tasks

I've been very busy since moving into the new place. First I was researching and ordering a few things I needed— a clothes dryer, a washing machine. Then I was researching carpets, getting a quote done and going to a carpet shop to order one. And planning ahead to figure out how I can most … Continue reading Busy With Tasks →

OCD, Uncertainty and Minor Miracles

Since moving into this new, less stressful placeI've been making an extra pushTo fight my worst OCD compulsions Through the haze and confusion and anxietyI have been realising, only in glimpsesMy new situationThe reality of it; Wow it's not easyResisting OCDReaching junctures upon which you could go backwardsOr continue the improvement forwards; Last week,I joined … Continue reading OCD, Uncertainty and Minor Miracles →

Work Capability Assessment

I went to Stepping Forward today to complete the Work Capability Assessment form. It's the final hurdle I need to pass before I feel I can breathe a sigh of relief, since being deemed not capable of working is essential for me to maintain receiving Universal Credit (incl. rent payments) without being forced to look … Continue reading Work Capability Assessment →

We Won Get Over It

Trying to work it outHow, why, whatWhereforeThe fuck have I ended up hereAnd where to go nowWhich way is NorthTrying to work it the fuck out? Laughable; The compass needle is spinningYet the direction is obviousLook to the skyDon't need all those fancy constructed toolsFollow the light; We won,Get over it 😂. We weren't even … Continue reading We Won Get Over It →

An OCD Cycle

No OCD starting from now…Wait—One last thing Right, no OCD starting from nowWait, no no,No OCD starting from NOW Damnit there was an annoying soundNow I'm itchingNow OCD starting from now… What the fuck? Shut the hell up 😂😂😂. Wait no that phrase reminds me of dismissive people from my past and traumatic memories… Argggh … Continue reading An OCD Cycle →

Single Point Of Failure

I've been moving bit by bitCar load by car load It was the worst timing to get help with movingSince Salvation Army work Tuesday to Saturday and their van wasn't available on SaturdayAnd my friend had to visit a friend a day earlierBecause of Tory rail strikes But the good thing was that I had … Continue reading Single Point Of Failure →