It’s been a long five days since speaking to that therapist on the phone, because I had the option of having an appointment on Thursday, too. I knew I needed a few more days for my sleep to adjust to make it more practicable. So I chose Tuesday this week for the first one, at first using the additional motivation to push back against the OCD again.
But I’ve quickly relapsed again and suffering with painful knees because of it. So now I’m distressed about the additional lost days and worry of permanently hurting my knees more, though they always recover so well when I stop aggravating them through OCD compulsions and I’m freed up to do physiotherapy exercises on them instead. Which in a way just replaces rumination with guilt, though in the meantime the main frustration is just the discomfort and extra physical limitation.
Even though OCD has occupied most of my time for 18 months, each extra lost hour still hurts just as much. I know that once I start speaking to the therapist I’m going to quickly gain strength and resolve. So it’s hard not to ruminate about delaying the start of it by an extra 5 days, even if I had practical reasons for it. Hopefully today, as I told myself the last three days, I can do better in resisting the most challenging compulsion.