Selfish Bastard :)

Yeah…no, it’s completely not realistic for me to do this whole two-day trip. I was originally planning it as a single afternoon/evening for a reason, and even that wasn’t sensible.

It’s one thing to feel like doing it in moments when I happen to feel better and more capable, but it’s when I need to dig myself out of a hole that thoughts of the trip and overwhelm just compound the problem.

To just go and act like OCD isn’t afflicting me for two days (if that was even possible) does no justice to the last few years. More likely is it’s going to affect me as much as any other time I’ve tried to do things, and I won’t have any escape. And OCD doesn’t do well with tiredness…

Now I am also under pressure to make sure my body clock is in a good phase for the day of the trip— which is one of my fundamental struggles at the moment alongside simply cooking food and leaving the house!

I am not even seeing my local friends as much as I would like, or making new ones. I am incapable because I am always so far behind with simple tasks, always catching up to make sure I have food, am eating well, washing, and just maybe doing something recreational. Isolation just compounds the problem but there is no quick fix. I need to manage the exposure to all this stimulation. I need coaching and encouragement to build it back up. It is all a catch-22 cycle that needs breaking carefully. Being alive is the achievement.

And then, once my mind is healthy again I can think about visiting those friends.

Yeah fuck if I am putting myself into a busy Friday/Sunday afternoon train-strike weekend environment…I don’t even know how far I can walk without pain. My world is mostly within my head these days, which isn’t nice but was a necessary survival mechanism. I need to relearn being out of my head again. But that…is a frankly daunting prospect. I’ve been getting into doing cryptic crosswords lately, which is helping. You see that’s real progress I was able to make with the space to do it. I need to stick with that process.

🌪