With Green Health,
I had been enrolled on a course with a dietician,
Who came in every 1 or 2 weeks,
To teach people about diet,
(From November until February);
I’d had to give up on it,
Because circumstances were so uncertain,
(E.g. homeless in November!),
With wild variations in my mental health,
And terrible sleeping patterns;
Other things, which set me backβ
Wild fluctuations in friendship relations,
Ensuing swings in social contact,
Isolation, Depression, OCD, Rumination…
It’s extremely hard not to ruminate,
When you feel like you’re letting people down,
βSome of those days, I didn’t make it in,
Simply because I wasn’t going to be on-time;
My WordPress friends,
And recent closer friend,
βThey choose to,
And can afford to,
Give unconditional support;
For when you have multiple crises,
And multiple, loose points of contact,
You’re constantly in conflict,
With contradictory messages;
In that environment,
With very low self-esteem,
And also little autonomy,
It’s very, very hopeless;
So, I’d had to make peace with myself,
For missing the dieting course;
And I’ve now made a simply incredible achievementβ
Fixing my sleeping;
For I’ve never before, in all my life,
Even those times when I did get up early,
βI’ve never woken up early, fully rested,
And enthusiastically,
βIt doesn’t even begin to compare;
Lack of sleep, is no joke,
It has to be first on the list,
No matter how long it takes;
Yet, with the dieting course now coming to an end,
I’m still reminded, weeks on end,
Of what I missed,
And ideally shouldn’t have missed;
Sara at Green Health,
Is one of the most encouraging people I know,
βMeeting her,
Caused me to shed tears,
For I felt this instantly;
But when others have a stake in your recovery,
Any stake at all,
It’s always impossible, for them,
To respond completely impartially;
They will, at times,
Encourage rumination,
Though not-at-all intentionally,
Of course,
And I felt that guilt anew, last week and this,
Through managing,
To get to Green Health;
This morning it started to perturb me,
Even to deter me,
For it’s a very difficult thing,
To start to overcome it,
Making important achievements,
Without external encouragement,
And acknowledgement,
Of those specific, hard-won things;
It’s very, very discouraging for me;
But I have to count my blessings, now,
For Sara of course,
Has been encouraging in every other way,
And I am getting unconditional support,
Now,
From those without a stake,
βMy WordPress friends, here,
And my awesome close friend.
π
I just needed to get that out,
For it was holding me back,
I’ll try to restore, now,
The conviction in myself π.
πͺ
π»πππππ
π πΆπ πͺππππ πͺ 
Hi. I don’t know if I’ve said hi yet but I shared one of your posts on my poetry blog. We’re kind of neighbors. I hope I haven’t caused you any rumination. I don’t really know what it is. Sort of do. I understand other things, like panic, psychosis, depression, much better. Rumination is a psychological form of anxiety, correct?
I really admire your blog and how you connect–artistically, aesthetically–real life with poetry. It works really well. I seek to mimic some of your style in my personal work. I just wrote a poem for my family about my psychosis. It can be hard to explain. It can take pages just to scratch the surface. But I would love to learn anything you would love to share.
Thank you for being alive and being you.
-varjak
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Oh PS fuck it it’s just a diet class.
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Actually, the background behind it is important. The charity works really hard to get funding in the first place, in order to make it free for people. They used some of the funding to pay the dietician for the (expensive) course. In the end hardly anybody showed up for it, and the dietician won’t agree any future contracts to do it again, after the next course (which starts soon and which I’ll join, again). I am going to the final session of the current course, next week, now that my sleeping and demotivation are sorted out.
So, you see, the more detail I learned about the ramifications of not going, the worse it just got…!
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Oh hmm. Yeah details just fuel rumination = not good! =X
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Yeah :). Thanks.
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Sending love and support!!! β€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈ
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You really are amazing and there are plenty of us who believe in you!
Your way with words is incredible π
We all make mistakes, so when we do it is important to be a little bit kinder to ourselves than what we are. Take responsibility, yes. But let it hold you back and make you feel like a failure, NO!!!
Because you are amazing and awesome and have come so far. Looking forward to the rest of the journey, supporting you as much as I can π
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Thanks so much Megs!
This was such a heart-warming comment π and really brightened the morning! I really appreciate it.
π
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I’m so glad that I brightened a portion of your day. My job here is done… for today anyway ππ
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I’ve really taken this to heart π:
make you feel like a failure, NO!!!
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Woo hoo!!!! Celebrating that ππππ
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Robin, how well I know about the lack of sleeping being no joke. (but these days, I sleep well on most nights and so thankful when I wake up feeling restfull , I so hope you will be able to get your sleep patterns back on track.)
Having a friend like you have found in Sara is wonderful.
I am glad I have met you through WordPress and think you are quite remarkable.
Be strong and know I always send my best wishes to you for peace and that at the end of the day you might be able to say, ‘ I did my best and that is enough. ”
β‘
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Thanks Margie! I got a few great comments on this poem!
Such nice words. It’s really incredible to receive so much encouragement π. I’ll never take it for granted that’s for sure! How far I’ve come from this time last year :D.
Your comment was so heart-warming π. I finally had my hair cut today, and man I’m glad I did! It’s such a subjective thing to say that having a hair cut makes you look and feel better, yet it’s such a real effect!
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You are so welcome, Robin . β‘
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ππ
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