Selfish Bastard :)

Yeah…no, it's completely not realistic for me to do this whole two-day trip. I was originally planning it as a single afternoon/evening for a reason, and even that wasn't sensible. It's one thing to feel like doing it in moments when I happen to feel better and more capable, but it's when I need to … Continue reading Selfish Bastard 🙂 →

Some Encouragement

I managed to get on top of the OCD on Monday, and rather than feeling overwhelmed by thoughts of the trip was able to turn it around and get fully on top of planning for it, and be able to look forward to it. My friend was going to take care of finding somewhere to … Continue reading Some Encouragement →

Proper Nouns Which Linger

I repeat their namesIn my head, spontaneouslyBecause it's triggeringAnd self-torturing If I do itI'll feel the need to repeat the last compulsionOut of feeling too abashed and indignantAnd so the cycle goes All it takes is a silent word to myselfTo set me backwards; What baleful, mortifying names torment me still?I am talking Proper NounsNames … Continue reading Proper Nouns Which Linger →

Economics Of Empathy

"Buy cheap, buy twice" has always been something I've lived by. I'd rather have something suitable and buy it once or not have it at all. So I should be doing the same when it comes to therapy. Whether or not it proves to be feasible, the options should only ever be: the good quality, … Continue reading Economics Of Empathy →

Everything On The Table

Man I'm really struggling. I used to be able to find some real optimism and motivation, a goal that I could focus on to take precedence over the OCD, even throughout that ordeal in the shared house. For example one of those times was learning to grow house plants, then collecting them, with the idealistic … Continue reading Everything On The Table →

Pillage The Villagers

"What's so funny?" "Oh…I've just read a witness account about how the nation's mentally ill "formed an orderly ten-mile queue through London's streets to see the Queen's coffin lying in state" …as if it were but a physical representation of the state of the NHS waiting list for mental health treatment…a living monument, a window … Continue reading Pillage The Villagers →

Updates

I'm basically surviving in the same mental state as I was in the hell house. The main limitation for 18 months has been a particularly consuming OCD compulsion. Everything else (including blogging) depends on overcoming that, which I am able to do for variable periods. I've said this before. Once I can do that, everything … Continue reading Updates →

A Sense Of Foreboding 😏

Uhhh my Universal Credit commitments have randomly changed to expecting me to look for work, coinciding (coincidentally) with having a different, male* work coach for my next appointment. I have a task in my Todo List asking me to 'accept the commitments agreed with my work coach'. I've just written a message saying that the … Continue reading A Sense Of Foreboding 😏 →

Reconciling The Past And Present

I'm starting to see a new therapist now. I'm saving a lot of money by not having the car, though that is already made up for by having to deal with energy bills now in the new place. I wasn't paying any energy bills in the shared hell house, so I'm interested to see where … Continue reading Reconciling The Past And Present →

With Light To See By

It hijacks the mindWhat does it want? All the wrongs of the past to be rightProbably The present is held to ransomNo, you can't have that!Don't dare get enthused, either Of course there isn't a simple solutionOr answerI know thatThat's not what this is; So yeahIt hijacks the mindA mental state connected through traumaReliving once-present … Continue reading With Light To See By →