Selfish Bastard :)

Yeah…no, it's completely not realistic for me to do this whole two-day trip. I was originally planning it as a single afternoon/evening for a reason, and even that wasn't sensible. It's one thing to feel like doing it in moments when I happen to feel better and more capable, but it's when I need to … Continue reading Selfish Bastard 🙂 →

Everything On The Table

Man I'm really struggling. I used to be able to find some real optimism and motivation, a goal that I could focus on to take precedence over the OCD, even throughout that ordeal in the shared house. For example one of those times was learning to grow house plants, then collecting them, with the idealistic … Continue reading Everything On The Table →

Life In The Horror Show

And there I satAt my wit's endAfter seven months of struggleAnd inexplicable experiences I logged back onto facebookAs my final actMade it plainJust how little of life I cared; There, I glimpsedAmongst it allAfter everything I had experiencedHaving lived on the edge for so longFacing death so many times, alone The faces of those whom … Continue reading Life In The Horror Show →

My External Demands

Today I went to the doctor with Sarah from Stepping Forward, to ask the doctor to write me a letter summarising all of my health issues and how the combination of them affects me. We wanted this for 2 things: PIP application and my upcoming court hearing. We wrote a draft letter with all the … Continue reading My External Demands →

Fear Of Conditionality

In the end I opened myself up even more and explained even more directly my paranoia of them becoming frustrated with me about me not being able to get stuff done, which as I'd mentioned was an irrational fear with the person I was dealing with, who is a natural empath. As irrational as I … Continue reading Fear Of Conditionality →

Transparency, Objectivity, Clarity

I'm going to sayI'm not minimising somethingWhen it's the entire point of my speech I'm going to use verbsWith cult-like associationsTo add fake authority to my words I'm going to pretendThat a different version of objective realityIs true; I don't need a translator, or education in body language, or even wisdom and experience to understand … Continue reading Transparency, Objectivity, Clarity →

Changes Nothing

I have to rememberHow even in June last yearI was able to find those reasons to keep goingAnd I have to use the same ones nowAs I still await my fateOn where and when I will be housed; Two years of practical accommodation instabilityAlmost one year of actual, hardline instabilityBut the rules are the sameIt's … Continue reading Changes Nothing →

House Of Horrors

What if they won't believe me,Now that things happen to be cleaner? The new Salvation Army helper,Knows only of the current state of things; Oh, two years of horrendous experiences,Indescribable imagery flashing before my mind's eye,All I can offer is examples,Struggling to form the sentences…How can you describe that? What if they won't believe me,Now … Continue reading House Of Horrors →

The Hole I Got Into

I just read on an OCD forum—Do something which requires your attention and you'll soon forget about the obsession; The hole I fell into over the last few years was that I can no longer do that; Always exercise was the miracle cure— the endorphins, adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin left my head clear and all … Continue reading The Hole I Got Into →

Closing In Again

I feel the wallsclosing inagainHuman stampedesup and downthe hallwayDisrupting me fromthe final outletThe endless universeof writing and creativityThe laststrandof proactive hopeSaving me, fromthe abyssal void of empty days without a planFor this activeproactiverestless mindThat is the truest hellThere is nothing l o n g e rthane m p t y timeWith no beginningand no e … Continue reading Closing In Again →