Yeah…no, it's completely not realistic for me to do this whole two-day trip. I was originally planning it as a single afternoon/evening for a reason, and even that wasn't sensible. It's one thing to feel like doing it in moments when I happen to feel better and more capable, but it's when I need to … Continue reading Selfish Bastard 🙂
Reconciling The Past And Present
I'm starting to see a new therapist now. I'm saving a lot of money by not having the car, though that is already made up for by having to deal with energy bills now in the new place. I wasn't paying any energy bills in the shared hell house, so I'm interested to see where … Continue reading Reconciling The Past And Present
A Trauma/Post-Trauma Analogy
Imagine taking a walk,Just trying to enjoy a nice walk,But you're walking along a beam suspended high off the ground, All your attention is going into simply trying to balance,In response to the fear and anxiety caused by the danger on either side; As soon as you try to focus ahead and simply enjoy the … Continue reading A Trauma/Post-Trauma Analogy
A Winged Bat And Hooves For Hands
Yes— missed opportunities,Changed plans,By the time I've snapped out of it, regained my senses,It's too late to do that,But I can do this, Continual adaptation, resurfacing,Reframing,Adjusting to the circumstances I find myself in,On the hoof,Off the bat,Wing and a prayer,The hand that's dealt, Oh, well, that's fine,We are not to blame,It's the OCD/dissociative way 😏🤗. … Continue reading A Winged Bat And Hooves For Hands
My brain has been so stale and obsessive,Stuck in a rut,So I'm going to create something,Big,A story of profundity,It's the best cure,And now I am doing,Once more :). 🌪
The Rules Are The Same
The rules are the same,Whether I get up early-morning or late-evening, Every moment is valid,Is a good place to start, The goals are the same,And I don't need to constantly measure myself. Chiefly, my goal right now is practising avoiding dissociation and dissociative habits (body tics, looping thoughts etc),Staying in the moment and aware,Not conscious … Continue reading The Rules Are The Same
How Do You Sleep At Night? Huh?
How do you sleep at night?Taking so much from me, F***ing OCD,Trauma-coping mechanisms; These past two years,All of those experiences— Trying to play instruments,Trying to read a book,Meeting up with a friend,The daytime drives, the night drives,Everything which might bring me joy,Triggers in me, instead, anxiety and fear,Retreat into distracting and numbing mental routines,—Putting the … Continue reading How Do You Sleep At Night? Huh?
Trying, Trying Not To Dissociate
It's so hard to be absorbed in repetitive OCD body tic obsessions,To this extent,I've been suspending disbelief, living day by day,Hour by hour,Knowing that it's a temporary holding period,Biding my time, playing the survival game,Until I can really start to improve; I started seeing a counsellor last Friday,And I have another appointment today,It's a huge … Continue reading Trying, Trying Not To Dissociate
Addiction And Sunk Cost Fallacy
So much of anxiety and 'paralysis' that I have,Is down to running through these mental thinking constructs, At some point I get 'sick' of it,And snap out of it; It's daily practising this habit, this trick,Which helps me to move forwards; It's easier said than done,And in some moods it can be extremely difficult—Because of … Continue reading Addiction And Sunk Cost Fallacy
Breaking The Vicious Cycle
Vast swathes of anxious time,Before coming back to life,All over again, Get the basics done,Now I can focus,The rest of the day is good,But suddenly it's morning again, Urgghhh,Need to do those basic things all over again,They used to be such a hell because of OCD, anxiety and dissociation,But lately they've been better, But with … Continue reading Breaking The Vicious Cycle
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