Selfish Bastard :)

Yeah…no, it's completely not realistic for me to do this whole two-day trip. I was originally planning it as a single afternoon/evening for a reason, and even that wasn't sensible. It's one thing to feel like doing it in moments when I happen to feel better and more capable, but it's when I need to … Continue reading Selfish Bastard 🙂 →

Reconciling The Past And Present

I'm starting to see a new therapist now. I'm saving a lot of money by not having the car, though that is already made up for by having to deal with energy bills now in the new place. I wasn't paying any energy bills in the shared hell house, so I'm interested to see where … Continue reading Reconciling The Past And Present →

A Trauma/Post-Trauma Analogy

Imagine taking a walk,Just trying to enjoy a nice walk,But you're walking along a beam suspended high off the ground, All your attention is going into simply trying to balance,In response to the fear and anxiety caused by the danger on either side; As soon as you try to focus ahead and simply enjoy the … Continue reading A Trauma/Post-Trauma Analogy →

A Winged Bat And Hooves For Hands

Yes— missed opportunities,Changed plans,By the time I've snapped out of it, regained my senses,It's too late to do that,But I can do this, Continual adaptation, resurfacing,Reframing,Adjusting to the circumstances I find myself in,On the hoof,Off the bat,Wing and a prayer,The hand that's dealt, Oh, well, that's fine,We are not to blame,It's the OCD/dissociative way 😏🤗. … Continue reading A Winged Bat And Hooves For Hands →

Doing

My brain has been so stale and obsessive,Stuck in a rut,So I'm going to create something,Big,A story of profundity,It's the best cure,And now I am doing,Once more :). 🌪

The Rules Are The Same

The rules are the same,Whether I get up early-morning or late-evening, Every moment is valid,Is a good place to start, The goals are the same,And I don't need to constantly measure myself. Chiefly, my goal right now is practising avoiding dissociation and dissociative habits (body tics, looping thoughts etc),Staying in the moment and aware,Not conscious … Continue reading The Rules Are The Same →

How Do You Sleep At Night? Huh?

How do you sleep at night?Taking so much from me, F***ing OCD,Trauma-coping mechanisms; These past two years,All of those experiences— Trying to play instruments,Trying to read a book,Meeting up with a friend,The daytime drives, the night drives,Everything which might bring me joy,Triggers in me, instead, anxiety and fear,Retreat into distracting and numbing mental routines,—Putting the … Continue reading How Do You Sleep At Night? Huh? →

Trying, Trying Not To Dissociate

It's so hard to be absorbed in repetitive OCD body tic obsessions,To this extent,I've been suspending disbelief, living day by day,Hour by hour,Knowing that it's a temporary holding period,Biding my time, playing the survival game,Until I can really start to improve; I started seeing a counsellor last Friday,And I have another appointment today,It's a huge … Continue reading Trying, Trying Not To Dissociate →

Addiction And Sunk Cost Fallacy

So much of anxiety and 'paralysis' that I have,Is down to running through these mental thinking constructs, At some point I get 'sick' of it,And snap out of it; It's daily practising this habit, this trick,Which helps me to move forwards; It's easier said than done,And in some moods it can be extremely difficult—Because of … Continue reading Addiction And Sunk Cost Fallacy →

Breaking The Vicious Cycle

Vast swathes of anxious time,Before coming back to life,All over again, Get the basics done,Now I can focus,The rest of the day is good,But suddenly it's morning again, Urgghhh,Need to do those basic things all over again,They used to be such a hell because of OCD, anxiety and dissociation,But lately they've been better, But with … Continue reading Breaking The Vicious Cycle →