I Almost Died :|

OCD 2 Minutes

I was already planning to go out to Tesco on the scooter in the nice cold fresh air, but the situation with the housemate had made me feel paralysed, balancing between despair and total rage. My friend was able to talk to me for 10 minutes, and encouraged me to gain the strength to get up off the bed. So I did, and I went out, hoping to reset myself and gain some calm from the outdoors.

But then on the way back I did an almost hilariously stupid thingβ€” there’s one (three-lane) road I usually have to cross over on the way back at some traffic lights, and I usually glance up to see what colour they areβ€” if red then I stop and see if there’s anything coming, because that particular traffic light sequence is fixed and takes forever to change, and at night the cars come in bunches with big gaps between.

Anyway, I saw they were red, but in my mind interpreted them as green (red for me, therefore green for cars). And as I was approaching the crossing, they changed to amber (so in my mind they were changing to red, but they were changing to green since they started off red!). As I started crossing I did a quick last glance to the right (as I usually do) to check the cars were actually stopping, only to see that I’d just narrowly avoided being run over, and cars on the next two lanes were approaching, though slowing. It was terrifyingly close with the first car, and it was so disconcerting to go and check the lights and see they were green.

I’m really annoyed at myself for doing such a stupid thing, even whilst doing everything right and being careful as always. I cycled for years on roads, including busy ones, over tens of thousands of miles, and I’ve done over a thousand on the electric scooters and never made a mistake as big as that before. And all while trying to do something to help myself and which took a lot of strength to go out and do, and it almost backfired spectacularly πŸ˜†.

I’m also annoyed because it was obviously exacerbated by the mental state I was already in, because of the stress from the housemates. And for sure my mind was stressed and busy at the time, even as I tried to relax. At the very same time I was consciously trying to break out of a looping OCD thought, which is typical anyway whenever I try to relax at the moment. And there’s been plenty of situations where OCD has almost led to disaster, especially when I had to live in my car. So I guess I should just feel lucky and go easy on myself.

πŸŒͺ

Published by 𝑹𝒐𝑩𝑰𝑡 πŸͺ

I write poems which are mental health-themed, creative or humourous :). Within mental health I write a lot about: ADHD, OCD, anxiety, autism, emotional traumaβ€” usually with an optimistic slant. My goals for my blog are to give myself a therapeutic, creative outlet whilst also being able to connect with and relate to other people.

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33 thoughts on “I Almost Died :|”

    1. Thank you πŸ’™. Yeah thank god indeed :). My local friend recently encouraged me to be more careful too, after the old scooter almost killed me when it was falling apart πŸ˜†. So that was strong in my mind after this, and I felt bad because she has to rely on me a lot.

      At least I can now tell myself that my judgement might be reduced especially in these situations, and in future slow down more and be less of a speed demon 😏.

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      1. I definitely didn’t mean dying no!!
        πŸ˜³πŸ˜‚

        Your last lines there – ‘so I guess I should just feel lucky and go easy on myself’ – that is what I meant.

        It’s something I have to remind myself of more than once a day too πŸ–€πŸ–€πŸ–€

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    2. Oh going easy on myself. No to be honest that’s something I’ve got surprisingly good at over the last year, compared to a year ago. It fluctuates a bit but it’s been consistently increasing. I am usually quite good at it, but with this it was a whole mixture of emotions. Annoyance at myself was only a part of what I was feeling, and the easiest part to fix actually. Thank you! πŸ’™

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      2. I have 2 fucking seedlings growing!!! I made a seedling incubator this week to start growing chilli plants and I’ve been checking multiple times per day and now there’s suddenly 2 beautiful tiny plants!!! I’ll post about it later with a photo πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„. Something positive! My seedlings almost outlived me lol. I actually can’t believe they’re growing haha.

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      4. πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€¦β€β™‚οΈ. I’ve been waiting all week for something to sprout too, would’ve been the greatest irony πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜†. My chillis would’ve been haunted. Ghost chillis πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰.

        And yes it is indeed a satisfying project! I’m aiming to become expert at this and growing plants from cuttings, so I can multiply my plants and sell them πŸ˜€ :D. It takes some time though πŸ˜….

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      4. They can get confusing to be fair… Maybe it would be easier on Robin’s blog – on his original post a few weeks back? Otherwise I fear your conversation may get lost… πŸ˜•πŸ–€

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      8. Jeez Robin/LC I’m all at sea here…..going back in your blog time doesn’t help either……from what I have previously read you have excelled yourself in the chilli-raising department… well done….you will now be able to go to the next stage – the produce-selling stage ….

        Some people say I’m silly Robin. Not LC. Isn’t she nice? I may be silly Robin – but I’m happy….

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