My Brain’s Programming

My brain’s programming of the last couple of years:

πŸŒͺ

22 thoughts on “My Brain’s Programming

    1. Thanks. It’s more that OCD has been making the simplest things really difficult and exhausting, or even doing nothing, never mind anything actually difficult. And it’s been robbing me of satisfaction even of the things that I do since I am doing this loop simultaneously. But it’s getting better :). The production of this diagram is evidence of that haha.

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    1. I just got accused of emotional abuse again by my brother because I did not say please or thanks when asking for money for the counseling 😏. I have filters to make these emails automatically go into the bin because of their potential to re-traumatise me, but I accidentally saw that one when I went back to the email thread to copy-paste something.

      In reality of course it’s such an effort for me to communicate anything at all to them, when I’d rather just have total separation. I’m chatting to Cassa soon which should help and I’m going to discuss it with the counselor in the next session.

      It’s like a knee-jerk reaction for them to just assume I’m the scum of the Earth if I’m not acting how they expect πŸ€¦β€β™‚οΈ. No appreciation that I’m just in survival mode here. But god having the wordpress community here is helping me to see it for what it is and to rise above it.

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    2. “I’m really glad that you are taking steps to heal

      I’ll ignore the lack of a please and any social niceties for now and send a months’ worth to you now because I know how important it is to you and i’m guessing you’re not in a place to put energy into such things right now.

      If after that time you want to continue with that therapist and still need funding i’ll consider sending more but the request needs to be made with more social graces otherwise I might start to feel like i’m being financially and emotionally abused”

      Did he really just say that he’s guessing I’m not in a place for social niceties then set a condition of social niceties on him continuing to support me? :|.

      The way that they can just casually suggest I’m emotionally abusing them… jesus that is a heavy concept to even think about, let alone to attribute to someone, let alone a family member.

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      1. Thank you πŸ’™. I sure do. The terrifying thing about that email was giving me the fear of even that opportunity to vent and talk about it being taken away, by the very same person who created much of that need. I really felt trapped earlier on, like I couldn’t reply because if I do it’ll just make the situation worse, whilst not replying also makes it worse.

        But I’m feeling better now. I’m honestly still un-doing this programming from family members always assuming the worst of me, always being told I’m doing things wrong, jeez heavy stuff. Thanks so much for reading it I appreciate it πŸ’™.

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