Beaten Down

In the beginning blogging helped a lotIn the beginning Sertraline medication helped a lotIn the beginning self-practised ERP therapy helped a lot They all still help but I ran out of 'fresh starts' from too many drastic changes of circumstancesI'm worn out and can't go any further without intervention from the psychologistAnd having all the … Continue reading Beaten Down →

Proper Nouns Which Linger

I repeat their namesIn my head, spontaneouslyBecause it's triggeringAnd self-torturing If I do itI'll feel the need to repeat the last compulsionOut of feeling too abashed and indignantAnd so the cycle goes All it takes is a silent word to myselfTo set me backwards; What baleful, mortifying names torment me still?I am talking Proper NounsNames … Continue reading Proper Nouns Which Linger →

A Sense Of Foreboding 😏

Uhhh my Universal Credit commitments have randomly changed to expecting me to look for work, coinciding (coincidentally) with having a different, male* work coach for my next appointment. I have a task in my Todo List asking me to 'accept the commitments agreed with my work coach'. I've just written a message saying that the … Continue reading A Sense Of Foreboding 😏 →

Reconciling The Past And Present

I'm starting to see a new therapist now. I'm saving a lot of money by not having the car, though that is already made up for by having to deal with energy bills now in the new place. I wasn't paying any energy bills in the shared hell house, so I'm interested to see where … Continue reading Reconciling The Past And Present →

With Light To See By

It hijacks the mindWhat does it want? All the wrongs of the past to be rightProbably The present is held to ransomNo, you can't have that!Don't dare get enthused, either Of course there isn't a simple solutionOr answerI know thatThat's not what this is; So yeahIt hijacks the mindA mental state connected through traumaReliving once-present … Continue reading With Light To See By →

Life In The Horror Show

And there I satAt my wit's endAfter seven months of struggleAnd inexplicable experiences I logged back onto facebookAs my final actMade it plainJust how little of life I cared; There, I glimpsedAmongst it allAfter everything I had experiencedHaving lived on the edge for so longFacing death so many times, alone The faces of those whom … Continue reading Life In The Horror Show →

An OCD Cycle

No OCD starting from now…Wait—One last thing Right, no OCD starting from nowWait, no no,No OCD starting from NOW Damnit there was an annoying soundNow I'm itchingNow OCD starting from now… What the fuck? Shut the hell up 😂😂😂. Wait no that phrase reminds me of dismissive people from my past and traumatic memories… Argggh … Continue reading An OCD Cycle →

Dealing With Fear Of Gaslighting

I am so terrified of not being understood, and being blamed, when it comes to circumstances holding me back. Which at the moment are mainly my living environment and OCD, and how the living environment (including lack of daylight) makes dealing with and recovering from the OCD so much more difficult. I've been struggling for … Continue reading Dealing With Fear Of Gaslighting →

Dress Rehearsal

(My PIP tribunal hearing is tomorrow…it was in my calendar as tomorrow the whole time, but on this occasion I was so sure in my memory of it being today that I didn't check beforehand…😆.) At the risk of sounding paranoid…I now look over my shoulder constantly,Whenever going in and out of the house; Whilst … Continue reading Dress Rehearsal →

Depths Of Blinking OCD

Another of my sporadic essay comment replies turned into a post :): Uh what are you doing, counting your blinks? Sort of! Blinking compulsively, simply to satisfy an urge to blink and precisely because I don't want to keep doing this exaggerated, one-eyed, purposeful blinking because it causes eye and head aches, makes my vision … Continue reading Depths Of Blinking OCD →