Impenetrable Defences

England will be allowed to play in their final group game against Czech Republic despite Scottish midfielder Barry Gilmour testing positive for Covid-19 shortly after the two sides' nil–nil draw; Following suggestions the England side should self-isolate, UEFA has referred to the UK government's own guidance on social distancing: COVID-19 spreads through close sustained contact … Continue reading Impenetrable Defences

Things Not To Say In A Trial On The Witness Stand

Could you pleaseβ€” for the juryβ€” identify the timestamp in the top-right hand corner of exhibit 81? Yesβ€” I believe that's half past beer o'clock, sir. …And are you board certified? I dunno mate but I'm certified f***ing bored!! πŸ₯±πŸ˜΄ Let's say, as a hypothetical example, that the judge was being verbally aggressive towards me, … Continue reading Things Not To Say In A Trial On The Witness Stand

Never Argue With A Hippopotamus

Middle figers and broken dewams,Typopotamuses eating you alove, A wat? A middle figer, you know,The one who stands in the middle making figs,What the f**k did you think!?You idiot!!! And what's a typopotamus when it's at home? It's never at hime,That's the pint! The pint of what? Like… Guiness? The pint of the whole story … Continue reading Never Argue With A Hippopotamus

Toilet Headlines

Leading toilet paper manufacturers have criticised the UK government for not doing enough to stir up 'toilet paper panic' amongst the public, following reports that packets of premium toilet roll still remain on shelves in some supermarkets. The government has responded by imposing indefinite national lockdown from next Thursday onwards. You couldn't make it up! … Continue reading Toilet Headlines