Life In The Horror Show

And there I satAt my wit's endAfter seven months of struggleAnd inexplicable experiences I logged back onto facebookAs my final actMade it plainJust how little of life I cared; There, I glimpsedAmongst it allAfter everything I had experiencedHaving lived on the edge for so longFacing death so many times, alone The faces of those whom … Continue reading Life In The Horror Show →

Fear Of Conditionality

In the end I opened myself up even more and explained even more directly my paranoia of them becoming frustrated with me about me not being able to get stuff done, which as I'd mentioned was an irrational fear with the person I was dealing with, who is a natural empath. As irrational as I … Continue reading Fear Of Conditionality →

Personal Thoughts

When I see Putin,Sitting at the extreme end of a long table,And read about his increasing isolationFrom the rest of his people, I can somehow relate to such obsessive tendencies,In a situation with terrible mental health,Where you're totally isolated;Obsessive behaviours get out of control,They're an in-built way of copingWhen there's no way out;It only gets … Continue reading Personal Thoughts →

Hell In OCD

I've had a particular OCD compulsion which has been consuming me all year,Taking up several hours or more of each day,It's so incredibly intrusive and pernicious,To do with readiness, not being agitated by a physical discomfort, I repeat the compulsion which solves an imaginary problem, The point is that more than any other compulsion it's … Continue reading Hell In OCD →

Silence

I still haven't hadOne human voiceTalk to me about the incident today,Or in any kind of way about anything, Just one, friendly human voice. I'm fucking breaking. I've been protecting my best friend from it because she's in such a stressful, vulnerable situation herself, and it's been a slow and difficult process to try to … Continue reading Silence →

The Rules Are The Same

The rules are the same,Whether I get up early-morning or late-evening, Every moment is valid,Is a good place to start, The goals are the same,And I don't need to constantly measure myself. Chiefly, my goal right now is practising avoiding dissociation and dissociative habits (body tics, looping thoughts etc),Staying in the moment and aware,Not conscious … Continue reading The Rules Are The Same →

In Deep

He has to go deep,Deep,To the centre of the Earth,Where there's a diamond,Of beauty and strength,Apparently. I'm anxiously waiting for the psychiatry company to get back to me, because I asked to make an appointment with their psychologist. I am just going to make an appointment and ask family to pay for the appointments, because … Continue reading In Deep →

One Hell Of A Story

This is going to be one hell of a story,By the time I finally get a chance to breathe, And how much farther,Could one possibly get from their mental health goal,Before it starts to get better? It's a story of survival,One day, one meal at a time,Justifying my existence to myself every single day,As hours, … Continue reading One Hell Of A Story →

Me, Alive

I am me,Highly stressed,In an extremely fragile situation; Those who knew me,Know this is not me,But me is still there,Just needs to be without the stress; It's a terrifying situation,Judgmental people make it,Infinitely worse,In a situation which can spiral out of control,So easily; This is not me,I know who I am,I just need the chance,To … Continue reading Me, Alive →

I Am Superhuman

I've lost a lot,I've really been hit by the lockdown,My growing network of friends and support was based around the charities which were helping me,Two of them had to stop because of the lockdown (and one has fallen out with me over a misunderstanding, which we cannot resolve because of the lockdown itself preventing me … Continue reading I Am Superhuman →