Toilet Headlines

Leading toilet paper manufacturers have criticised the UK government for not doing enough to stir up 'toilet paper panic' amongst the public, following reports that packets of premium toilet roll still remain on shelves in some supermarkets. The government has responded by imposing indefinite national lockdown from next Thursday onwards. You couldn't make it up! … Continue reading Toilet Headlines

Like There’s No Tomorrow, When There Perfectly Is

Yesterday was traumatising,For noise outside my window, I slowly awoke, and lay in fear,At footsteps clip-clopping,Car doors slamming,And engines revving like there's no tomorrow; Turns out,That expression was perfectly-apt,For I waited until late at night,Before going to the supermarket… And what did I find?Lots of shelves suddenly looking sparse!Lots of staff frantically working fastβ€” Oh,I … Continue reading Like There’s No Tomorrow, When There Perfectly Is

Insidiously Dark Humour/Just Biden Time

What did I say, D**ald!?I told you to stop going out…I said you'd catch that China Plagueℒ️,Didn't I!? Goddamnit…—When do you think he'll wake up, Dr.? …Who? My son!!D**ald!! Oh, er…I don't think he was ever woke,To be completely honest with you,Mrs. Tr**p, Are you taking the piss!!?? NOoo… You're doing everything you can,Right!!?? …YEeah… … Continue reading Insidiously Dark Humour/Just Biden Time

Toilet Research

Scientists admit controversial findings from latest coronavirus researchβ€” The presence of large quantities of toilet paper improves peoples' chances of surviving coronavirus; "Due to a quirk in the shape of the viral envelope protein and the molecular structure of toilet paper…Toilet paper acts like a sponge,Effectively 'scrubbing' the air of coronavirus particles,Thus…Those who've stockpiled massive … Continue reading Toilet Research

Silly Spider Season

Spiders can now meet up to 30 humans indoors,From two different households, And up to seven other spiders,From tenΒΉ different households,β€”As long as they are wearing face coverings. New confusing and terrifying government guidance issued,As we enter summer spider season. πŸ•·πŸ•·πŸ•·πŸ•·πŸ‘¨β€πŸ‘©β€πŸ‘§β€πŸ‘¦πŸ•·πŸ•·πŸ•·πŸ•· Will they listen?No. ΒΉ I just plucked these numbers out of the air! πŸŒͺ

That ClichΓ©d Covid Speech

I think we've all come to realise,During these past few months…The true value of face-to-face interaction, πŸ€”πŸ˜ As well as those other things in our lives which are important,And those which aren't, πŸ€”πŸ˜ And as a society we've been forced to confront… and to understand,Just how fragile our sense of normality,Even our mortality,And all of … Continue reading That ClichΓ©d Covid Speech

5G Fruitcake Stall

Oh the irony!5G back in the news again,5G equipment to be removed from UK network,Over privacy concerns with Huawei; This is just the start!You'll see!It's all fitting the theory perfectly! The coronavirus outbreak, caused by 5G signals,Just so happened to begin in China,Where Huawei is based! And now the government is banning Huawei 5G…It's done … Continue reading 5G Fruitcake Stall

Rollercoasters Of Death

Did you implement your height restriction?I hope you didn't let just anybody in! Did your designers do too good of a job?I hope you checked their qualifications! Did you forget to run the software simulation? Come on,I used to play Theme Park World on the computer,And even then I'd test-ride my rollercoasters first,I didn't want … Continue reading Rollercoasters Of Death