Whomsoever Whensoever

OCD ritualsWith implied stateAre the worstThat's what's gripped me the last year and a half It stopped being funThere was no relief in writing about anythingBecause the state would remain 'imperfect'Regardless of what I did in-between And now I feel self-conscious againPeople reading what I writeCertain people whom I'd rather they not readAnd I don't … Continue reading Whomsoever Whensoever →

Proper Nouns Which Linger

I repeat their namesIn my head, spontaneouslyBecause it's triggeringAnd self-torturing If I do itI'll feel the need to repeat the last compulsionOut of feeling too abashed and indignantAnd so the cycle goes All it takes is a silent word to myselfTo set me backwards; What baleful, mortifying names torment me still?I am talking Proper NounsNames … Continue reading Proper Nouns Which Linger →

Reconciling The Past And Present

I'm starting to see a new therapist now. I'm saving a lot of money by not having the car, though that is already made up for by having to deal with energy bills now in the new place. I wasn't paying any energy bills in the shared hell house, so I'm interested to see where … Continue reading Reconciling The Past And Present →

With Light To See By

It hijacks the mindWhat does it want? All the wrongs of the past to be rightProbably The present is held to ransomNo, you can't have that!Don't dare get enthused, either Of course there isn't a simple solutionOr answerI know thatThat's not what this is; So yeahIt hijacks the mindA mental state connected through traumaReliving once-present … Continue reading With Light To See By →

OCD, Uncertainty and Minor Miracles

Since moving into this new, less stressful placeI've been making an extra pushTo fight my worst OCD compulsions Through the haze and confusion and anxietyI have been realising, only in glimpsesMy new situationThe reality of it; Wow it's not easyResisting OCDReaching junctures upon which you could go backwardsOr continue the improvement forwards; Last week,I joined … Continue reading OCD, Uncertainty and Minor Miracles →

We Won Get Over It

Trying to work it outHow, why, whatWhereforeThe fuck have I ended up hereAnd where to go nowWhich way is NorthTrying to work it the fuck out? Laughable; The compass needle is spinningYet the direction is obviousLook to the skyDon't need all those fancy constructed toolsFollow the light; We won,Get over it 😂. We weren't even … Continue reading We Won Get Over It →

An OCD Cycle

No OCD starting from now…Wait—One last thing Right, no OCD starting from nowWait, no no,No OCD starting from NOW Damnit there was an annoying soundNow I'm itchingNow OCD starting from now… What the fuck? Shut the hell up 😂😂😂. Wait no that phrase reminds me of dismissive people from my past and traumatic memories… Argggh … Continue reading An OCD Cycle →

Number 456

Prisoners who complete the game,Will progress to the next round,All others will be eliminated, The prize…eternal fulfilment and completion,No more mind games,All your worries will be soothed; Why so serious?One would think, given the high stakes involved,That I'd volunteered myself for squid games,And that's exactly what I've done, Oh, fuck. Slap me again. 🌪

OCD, Difficulty And Capabilities

OCD without support is the hardest thing in the world,Not that OCD with support is necessarily easy (I imagine), But OCD without support is like having your legs blown off,And not being given prosthetics or physiotherapy; It's the most difficult thing I've ever experienced,Especially because my current circumstances encourage relapses and loss of hard-won progress. … Continue reading OCD, Difficulty And Capabilities →

OCD, Yes!

But…why couldn't I do this thing much earlier, if I can do it now?OCD, But…why did I spend all that time doing that mindless thing when I don't want to do it now?OCD; It was soothing when it was the only thing you could do, Would I really have been staring at a wall instead … Continue reading OCD, Yes! →