War Spirit

Interesting that I take strength from war documentaries and dramas,The irrational nonchalance and dark humour in a tough situation,Controlling the urge to complain,Despite the overarching questionable circumstances and incompetence of upper management; Looking for morality in the situation is futile,It is a war,Each day brings many new battles and each battle is different,Fuck-ups and trauma … Continue reading War Spirit

The Great Loneliness

I'm depressed,Lonely,Anxious,Too restless to sit on my bed and write anything,Because I feel trapped,Claustrophobic,Too hot,TOO HOT!!It makes me want to burst out, And there's a lot to be said for body postureβ€”I've found sitting on a stool to be very freeing, calming, and positivity-inducing;The upright, forwards-facing, upwards and onwards-looking perspective really helps to make use … Continue reading The Great Loneliness

The Music That Heals Me 2

Music was such a crucial pillar of support,Throughout last year,The time in the car,With the terrible loneliness,And all that had happened before, Reaching a point, every day,Of deciding whether to go forwards, or not,And finding some thing, in the moment,Which could be done; A few important songs,Appealed to me strongly then,And this one resonated so … Continue reading The Music That Heals Me 2

The Music That Heals Me

It's amazing what music can do,Sometimes; There was a period when music held no joy anymore,Those songs which I'd listened to, played and even sung,Practised every day,Without distraction or dissociation; What a heartbreak to have been so depressed,That not even music could help,In fact music would just remind me of how far I'd fallen; And … Continue reading The Music That Heals Me

I Don’t Care

To be totally honest,I couldn't care less about it, β€”PIP applications,And appeasing Universal Credit, It's been two years of this shit,And I'm sick of it, I've been on Universal Credit,In three different places,I've done a PIP application,In two different places, I've had the police phoned on me several times,By estranged family members, It's all so … Continue reading I Don’t Care

Doing My Best, What Can I Say?

I need help with this stuff,I just mess up, By the time my sleeping was sorted out,Things were messed up, And it's really hard to motivate myself, sometimes,After two years of this stuff, To do the things which are difficult,Bureaucratic and boring; And the last few days,Have been so slow and un-useful, Delaying the boring … Continue reading Doing My Best, What Can I Say?

Make Better Decisions

I need to make more friends,And further...To make them all at once, Because one problem I've had,Having so few,Is of being too needy,β€”Of that I was well aware; You see,Often I over-worry,About what other people feel,Or infer too much about situations,β€”That has been confirmed, Yet,If I tell myself not to over-worry,I still get it wrong,β€”Those … Continue reading Make Better Decisions

The Lost Friends

I just can't catch a break, Coming here, to the South,Last year in August,To stay with my Aunt, β€”The first time in a decade,I've been near to close friends, I thought,This will be great,β€”Alongside everything else,Seeing them will help! I'm only thirty miles,Instead of 400 miles,Yet except for when I needed to stay,This hasn't materialised, … Continue reading The Lost Friends

The Last Week

This week has been so difficult,I've gone backwards,Relentlessly, My friend stopped hanging out with me,Why,Is a total mystery, My housemate experienced a trauma again,Which,Caused her to go backwards and become depressed, My OCD and rumination got worse,So,I went to bed ever-later and later, I forgot to go to Scrabble,Which,I was invited and looking forward to, … Continue reading The Last Week