Beaten Down

In the beginning blogging helped a lot
In the beginning Sertraline medication helped a lot
In the beginning self-practised ERP therapy helped a lot

They all still help but I ran out of ‘fresh starts’ from too many drastic changes of circumstances
I’m worn out and can’t go any further without intervention from the psychologist
And having all the traumas heard;

In a way I’ve become dependent on acute crisis states in that the underlying weariness and demotivation from the traumas now dominates;

Once I am able to maintain consistent improvements and sanity, I’ll be able to allow all of these things to fully help again.

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A summary of events:

Severe OCD and isolation prevented me from continuing with an ill-fitting job
I lost all motivation and ability to do anything I enjoyed
I moved home with family but still suffered with these things alone
Professional help wasn’t available either
They made me homeless
I lived in my car (a phrase encapsulating numerous further ‘experiences’ 😅)
I suffered the ordeal of the shared house, reversing my progress
Pandemic happened
I experienced harassment and abuse from the landlord
I got evicted, facing massive uncertainty for a year
Rapidly escalating government authoritarianism and cutting of public services
Cost of greed crisis just when I become financially stable and want to spend all of my money on a psychologist :).

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To be fair I’m not the type of person to dwell on all of my bad luck and to make out my experience to be unique, but the cost of greed crisis added on there really did make me laugh. Like, our ambulance wait times are measured in days. Our taxes are high and we have no healthcare. Our energy bills cost hundreds of pounds per month. It is an order-of-magnitude scale crisis and is just a backdrop to my own ridiculous chain of struggles.

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