And there I sat
At my wit’s end
After seven months of struggle
And inexplicable experiences
I logged back onto facebook
As my final act
Made it plain
Just how little of life I cared;
There, I glimpsed
Amongst it all
After everything I had experienced
Having lived on the edge for so long
Facing death so many times, alone
The faces of those whom remained
In the world of the living and perfect
Where the individual before all else comes first
And that includes family you fuck.
This was almost exactly three years ago, and having had no proper chance to look backwards since that time I am effectively still living in the end of 2019. The pandemic hasn’t happened (I don’t even know how to read a covid test), these traumas are fresh and all of my feelings about them are exactly the same, preserved.
This moment still remains one of the most horrifying personally and demonstrates a true modern philosophical horror.
Being able to reflect back on the path from there to here is a luxury which I’m reasonably satisfied to have.