An OCD Cycle

No OCD starting from now…
Waitβ€”
One last thing

Right, no OCD starting from now
Wait, no no,
No OCD starting from NOW

Damnit there was an annoying sound
Now I’m itching
Now OCD starting from now…

What the fuck?

Shut the hell up πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.

Wait no that phrase reminds me of dismissive people from my past and traumatic memories…

Argggh now I’m uncomfortable again
Got to do this one last thing and start again…

And so it goes on!


On a serious note though I have been really struggling the past few years in general with phrases or words which remind me of stressful memories. Words that sound like people’s names for example, or of phrases which people said to me, or just in any way remind me of a traumatic situation. The fact that the word ‘and’ is so close to one of my parents’ names and is so common is troublesome. They really really get in the way of snapping out of OCD routines, but mostly when I am saying stuff ‘out loud’ in my head and mis-pronounce it slightly. As a result I am often resorting to thinking ‘without words’, which is faster anyway but comes with less emphasis. I don’t need to ‘narrate’ everything but it’s a reassuring habit when it’s not fuelling OCD.

It’s just one of the many things I’d love to discuss in detail with a therapist! But writing this’ll have to do.

Actually one thing I wanted to try again when I feel more settled was an OCD Skype group through ocdaction.org.uk. I first joined that from my car in June 2019. I attended a couple of more times but my daily existence has prevented me from being able to manage it and it was one of the things I had to cut out.

πŸŒͺ

18 thoughts on “An OCD Cycle

  1. When I read the first 2 paragraphs it sounded like I was writing this. Wow RoBIN I understand so much of what you wrote. For me instead of phrases, I have problems with words. Certain words cause my ocd to spiral. Even words that rhyme with words.

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    1. It’s funny, when I write this stuff I’ve learned to tell myself thisβ€” that other OCD sufferers are genuinely going to understand this. But it’s impossible to have 100% conviction in that because surely, SURELY this time it’s just too weird and specific? Lol. And of course there was a time when I had no idea ANYbody would relate to ANY of it.

      It’s humbling in a way, like “get over yourself lol” but in a reassuring way. Of course OCD comes in so many forms but I’ve found that certain people seem to ‘cluster’ and relate to so much more of my OCD experiences than others. It’s truly uncanny to meet such people. I actually had the feeling that you’d relate to it!

      Maybe it’s no coincidence we are both writing blogs and have similar word-related issues! Haha! Your comment is reassuring thank you. I’m the same on words rhyming with ‘bad’ words!

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  2. I hate getting a word or phrase in my head, especially if it connects something perverted to something else. So the positive thing when I hear the word triggers the weird one. I absolutely hate it.

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    1. Yes! I’ve had that too. Wow that’s crazy. It feels like such a specific and complicated thought pattern, it’s hard to believe that people with ocd really do such similar things. Like it takes a silly level of imagination to even come up with it.

      OCD is misdirected imagination as a result of anxiety/trauma, perhaps.

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      1. Lately I’ve been stuck on mumbling a little doo-doo-doo-doo tune and I do it ALL THE TIME, even at my desk at work, like when I go to click something on the computer. I was even doing it under my breath in the middle of church. Thankfully once I reach this stage it usually exhausts itself.

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      2. I used to do a lot of that in childhood for years. One time I was watching a movie with a friend and endlessly whispering stuff until they noticed. I was so embarrassed πŸ˜†.

        It’s scary looking back at the severity of my ocd in childhood lol. Because it’s another confirmation of the traumas/stress I was experiencing.

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