Fear Of Conditionality

In the end I opened myself up even more and explained even more directly my paranoia of them becoming frustrated with me about me not being able to get stuff done, which as I’d mentioned was an irrational fear with the person I was dealing with, who is a natural empath. As irrational as I could tell myself it was, nothing can trump such catastrophic feelings when you are in a fight/flight depressed/anxious state. Writing my post helped but not totally.

She is a natural empath, though at the same time she’s a mum with 3 kids and husband and limited time to be sending me messages of reassurance! (Also why limited to brief pragmatic text exchanges). Nevertheless, she did so at 10pm that night and it was fully reassuring.

The truth is that in such situations, more often than not whenever I’ve opened myself up even more and asked for such reassurance, I’ve usually still never got it, or got the opposite and gaslighting, resulting in more failed explanations and communication attempts. So it’s like a huge risk of making the hole even deeper. To us empaths it’s perverse, isn’t it? Usually family would be our first source of such reassurance and understanding, but in my case it’s been one of the weakest, most isolating and most conditional. Anyway, that’s stuff I deliberately was never going to write about until I feel more comfortable with my current circumstances.

I’m simply in a cycle of not being able to engage in things which would reduce my isolation, due to losing time and energy from anxiety and being triggered into fight/flight responses, which can then easily trigger other feelings. Hence this particular situation. It retraumatised me into the fear of a valuable connection becoming conditional.

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