Another of my sporadic essay comment replies turned into a post :):
Uh what are you doing, counting your blinks?
Sort of! Blinking compulsively, simply to satisfy an urge to blink and precisely because I don’t want to keep doing this exaggerated, one-eyed, purposeful blinking because it causes eye and head aches, makes my vision blurry and is very dissociating. So all that’s going through my head whilst I’m trying not to blink one more time, but since I’m doing it with one eye at a time there’s always a feeling of ‘unsatisfied symmetry’ where if I finish on the left eye, I then start feeling like I have to do it one more time on the right eye to make it symmetrical, despite the fact I haven’t actually been counting them.
I have had times where I’ve counted them to finish on a 1, 3, 5 (any odd number), but mostly it’s more of the pure Somatic/Just Right OCD kind.
The fact that I even have different kinds of blinking compulsions is nutty right? Lol. Says it all about how much of a problem it becomes.
Anyway it was at its worst when living with my parents and in my car, but has eased off since then and most of this year hasn’t been a common obsession (relatively). (It of course increased again for a while during the landlord abuse in April/May). So the last week it’s been an unusual level of reversion to the point I was getting those symptoms again, plus eye bags :). But since writing the post yesterday it’s dropped off a lot! As I thought it would do because it wasn’t too ingrained yet, and hence why I wrote the post.
And of course it was around a week ago that the house mess peaked and I had to buy the gas mask for leaving my room. On Friday (after my email to the council) some cleaners came around and swept and mopped the floors and got rid of the rotting rubbish. Of course the rubbish is collecting again but for now it’s a bit better when I leave my room. A small miracle.
So often these OCD symptom changes are not random at all.