Another of my sporadic essay comment replies turned into a post :):
Uh what are you doing, counting your blinks?
Sort of! Blinking compulsively, simply to satisfy an urge to blink and precisely because I don’t want to keep doing this exaggerated, one-eyed, purposeful blinking because it causes eye and head aches, makes my vision blurry and is very dissociating. So all that’s going through my head whilst I’m trying not to blink one more time, but since I’m doing it with one eye at a time there’s always a feeling of ‘unsatisfied symmetry’ where if I finish on the left eye, I then start feeling like I have to do it one more time on the right eye to make it symmetrical, despite the fact I haven’t actually been counting them.
I have had times where I’ve counted them to finish on a 1, 3, 5 (any odd number), but mostly it’s more of the pure Somatic/Just Right OCD kind.
The fact that I even have different kinds of blinking compulsions is nutty right? Lol. Says it all about how much of a problem it becomes.
Anyway it was at its worst when living with my parents and in my car, but has eased off since then and most of this year hasn’t been a common obsession (relatively). (It of course increased again for a while during the landlord abuse in April/May). So the last week it’s been an unusual level of reversion to the point I was getting those symptoms again, plus eye bags :). But since writing the post yesterday it’s dropped off a lot! As I thought it would do because it wasn’t too ingrained yet, and hence why I wrote the post.
And of course it was around a week ago that the house mess peaked and I had to buy the gas mask for leaving my room. On Friday (after my email to the council) some cleaners came around and swept and mopped the floors and got rid of the rotting rubbish. Of course the rubbish is collecting again but for now it’s a bit better when I leave my room. A small miracle.
So often these OCD symptom changes are not random at all.
πͺ
π»πππππ
π πΆπ πͺππππ πͺ 
I use to do the same thing. I actually have slowed down alot but I use to do it so much my eyelids hurt.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you :), good to not be alone! And yeah, eyelids, eyebags, headache :|. It’s terrible, you start wondering if you’re permanently damaging your face. But it does recover a lot when you stop :).
LikeLike
Aaagggghhhh as soon as I hit “send,” I instantly knew it didn’t sound in text the way it sounded in my head. I’m so sorry. That sounds extremely distressing. I don’t have many strong physical compulsions but what you describe reminds me of when I’m trying not to think about having imaginary conversations. I start panicking because I can’t stop. I’d cry if I had physically irritating/painful compulsions.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You mean your question?
Yes the blinking along with everything else used to be devastating indeed! And yeah the panic when I couldn’t stop, man. Not as bad this time thankfully but yeah, was getting there before I managed to stop π. Thanks :).
LikeLiked by 1 person
If you meant your question sounded flippant or something, that honestly never occurred to me! Haha. I knew how it sounded in your head :). Definitely translated correctly, no worries! I never assume passive aggressiveness in text :D. Which is a problem because I often get myself into hot water when other people perceive my neutral statements to be passive aggressive βΉοΈ.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lol yes that’s what I was worried about. Thank you for giving the benefit of the doubt. A lot of people don’t.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It really pisses off passive aggressive people when you’re oblivious to it :).
Yes indeed, it’s a scary world out there with default nefarious interprΓ©tations π. I can’t understand that. YW
LikeLiked by 1 person
Noo I was gunna comment on your poem lol. I thought the title read ‘get your managers here’ π. Anyways it was funny!
LikeLiked by 1 person
No! I don’t want any more managers! Thanks for reading the poem.
LikeLiked by 1 person
π
LikeLiked by 1 person