A Tale Of OCDs

Whenever I exercise now,
There’s an added stress on my heart,
Because of the OCD which stopped me from exercising and getting any benefit from it;

It’s not so bad now, so I’m able to enjoy it again,
But there’s still this added strain from keeping it at bay;
That extra stress then triggers hypochondria OCD,
Which tells me to pause everything and check my heart rate before doing anything else;
I don’t know what I’m looking forβ€”
Just to check it’s not doing anything weird, I guess,
(Like it would be if I was about to have a heart attack);

I’m not naturally a hypochondriac;
I detest the idea and have a fear of being a hypochondriac,
(I would never do anything a hypochondriac would do);
This fear thus triggers the self-sabotaging hypochondria-related OCD…
Because it’s not me;

And because I can’t just do anything once at the moment…
Just Right OCD kicks in;
I have to check the heart rate in a good mental or environmental state,
It has to just ‘feel’ right,
(Whatever the hell that means);

Ironically, trying to ignore all of these mental games inevitably recreates that extra heart strain;



Nevermind then πŸ˜†.

By the way I’m aware that the number one cause of heart disease is the fear of having heart disease. But if I stop checking and die because of undiagnosed heart problemsβ€”
You know why πŸ˜‰. Just putting it out there. See? I couldn’t care less about the idea of dying, lol. I’m not a hypochondriac. I just don’t want a slow death. But most of all I want to exercise.


9 thoughts on “A Tale Of OCDs

  1. Gosh, it’s complicated… Mentalise everything to avoid the worst or de-mentalise and re-enact the action to get to the edge and brutally force yourself to change the process? I have no idea. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Exactly! Well expressed considering your English knowledge!!

      It is somewhere in-between. The truth is that recovering from OCD requires a stable environment and good support, so that you can take on this challenge gradually, without big setbacks. And medication really helps, but especially with support. There was a period when I was making consistent progress, before this house became too stressful. So already with the right housing and my knowledge, and support through blogging, I am 100% sure I can make a lot of progress.

      It is no surprise really that the OCD has been especially bad this last month…!

      Thank you πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. A serene environment, to smoothly expand and contract (as if within a protective membrane) every state of mind, is important. You do very well to put this at the centre of every argument with your contacts. I wish you a better situation. πŸ™‚
        You’re welcome πŸ˜€

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Haha, like an embryo in a birthing chamber, like in the Matrix! πŸ˜„

        Thank you. Comments like yours and the online support have really boosted my assertiveness with it. It’s difficult when people want to increase your medication with barely any conversation with you and like it’s a magic solution, simply because it’s uncomfortable and they don’t have the power to give you what you need. All the experts know that you can’t just give medication without support.

        The autism support charity know this very well, too :), so I’ll definitely stick to it. It just needs a very tough skin!! πŸ’™

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’m glad the internet can be helpful πŸ˜‰
        Drugs are simple food for simplified systems, it takes all the tough skin in the world to make everyone, the people you interact with and not just them, understand that simplification is a mistake. πŸ’™


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