Not OCD

OCD has been so bad,
Everything has been so difficult,
I can still remember a time when it improved,
The beginning of last year;

It is so freeing when I am able to escape it;

I just need to keep surviving,
And I’ll be able to return to it (to not OCD).


At least the midnight ground tremors have disappeared,
And I can actually write some things.
(My god, how absurd an experience was that!!?)
.

πŸŒͺ

12 thoughts on “Not OCD

    1. Thank you. That doesn’t really work for me to be honest xD. Most of my OCD symptoms/tics are trauma-related, a dissociation mechanism. It’s very very hard to unlearn those especially whilst still stressed. It’s not so much intrusive as just a constantly-running preoccupation, which affects everything I do because I’m rarely concentrating properly on anything, but in particular the things which are most important to me or most important for self-care. It’s very difficult to get out of.

      Even something as simple as telling myself something becomes a new OCD obsessionβ€” wanting to settle it ‘just right’ or say it just right in my mind before I can actually make use of it. I just hope I get the opportunity to explain it all to an OCD specialist eventually, because it’s really complex, with many layers. In the meantime I’ll get a long way anyway if the environment improves. I can appreciate how useful this survival mechanism was though. Basically any rationalisations just make my problem even worse, I need to relearn the automatic ability to focus on what I want to. Sorry for the long reply, it’s a can of worms.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks for enlightening me. I hope you don’t think I meant a quick “snap out of it” solution! I know a person can’t just rationalize it away, especially in such a difficult situation as yours and I know it doesn’t disappear just like that. As soon as I wrote that I was like poop, he’s gonna think I’m just telling him it’s easy to get over. I’m sorry to hear it’s so bad and because of traumas. I do hope you get to see a specialist. A good therapist can make a huge difference in a person’s life.

        “Even something as simple as telling myself something becomes a new OCD obsessionβ€” wanting to settle it β€˜just right’ or say it just right in my mind before I can actually make use of it. ” <— Yes I definitely see the dangers of that and the remedy can become an obsession itself. I only have your average, garden-variety OCD obscene unwanted thoughts and I wind up worrying that my rejection of them isn't worded right. Now I'm really sorry I fired off that comment because it doesn't help me either!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yeah don’t worry! I didn’t think you were doing that actually. It’s more just that I haven’t had the chance to explain it all to a therapist, only me knows the depths and details of it πŸ€¦β€β™‚οΈ. So sometimes it comes out lol. And I often find I don’t relate that well to most people with OCD, so there’s a kind of frustration there. I think it was just allowed to develop with layers upon layers over time whilst undiagnosed, and my mind knows no creative bounds with this stuff.

        “I wind up worrying that my rejection of them isn’t worded right”

        This is so relatable though! And reassuring. Thanks for mentioning that. I do get obscene thoughts too, but rarely they become an actual obsession. They’re the easiest kind for me to deal with as it happens.

        Anyways thanks for your responses! πŸ‘Š

        Liked by 1 person

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