A Crying Shame

I’m taking a riskβ€”
The floor could absolutely quake at any moment,
My entire world would shake,
Through the seat I’m sitting on,
Through my feet on the floor,
Through the solid desk my hands and arms are resting on,
The computer screen I’m looking at could sway back and forth,
The microphone arm could shake,
My plants could quiver as the shock rattles around the room;

With absolutely no warning at all, sitting here in peace I could suddenly feelβ€”

And have the instant, extreme, vivid impression that an angry group of people has stomped up behind me with the absolute maximum urgency and aggressive intentions,
Perhaps I’ve done something wrong,
Or they’re going to kill me,
It could be the landlord again, or the letting agent,
It could be the police about to burst through my door;
Absolutely no warning at all,
Transitioned from total peace and stability of the floor, instantaneously into that situation;

Whenever I even dare to think I’ve used overly-dramatic words to describe it,
It happens again,
And there really are no words for it,
It’s that shocking and surprising;

Which is why I haven’t been able to write as much,
Much less read;

It’s really difficult not having this perfect and reliable outlet which I used to have,
When I get so stuck in the urgency and dreadfulness of an OCD or rumination cycle;
It really was the best self-soothing method that I had,
It was beautiful;

It’s a shame that I cannot use it on-demand anymore, turning negativity into creativity,
More of my time gets lost to these intrusive and obsessive thoughts,
Recovery from them takes longer,
That’s a damned shame;

At least it does emphasise even more (if it ever needed to be)
How much the environment is affecting and limiting me,
To the people who need to know;
So I can know that, whilst I keep trying,
To soothe myself and create purpose for myself,
And get through another day.


9 thoughts on “A Crying Shame

  1. Writing is good, you know. Writing in a “risky” location and therefore not being able to write anymore is, as you rightly point out, another limitation given by the situation. If you make money from writing, I also see financial damage. I believe that this can also become a diary for other uses (legal, quantification of psychological and existential damage) and I believe that your new association in defense of tenants must take charge of documenting these problems … and monetizing them !!!! Yeeeeeaaaaa! πŸ˜€
    A warm greeting πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! Exactly :). Thank God for the lights and the plants and other comforts. It’s quite surreal the transformation when you enter my room. But yes it gave me agoraphobia. And leaving is like a secret mission, glancing both ways and looking over my shoulder. Seems like a housemate is planning a big garden party too, so that’s like the next big battle/raid coming up.


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