Rapid Confession Time

I go through phases of heart health anxiety. A few times in my past it’s endured over days or weeks, and I’ve ended up creating my own heart palpitations by believing that there’s something up with my heart 😆. Even whilst at my most physically fit. I’ve managed at times to live a double life of having no worries at all when pounding out lengths in the swimming pool, for example, yet at night in bed managing to get anxious about the state of my heart, then the next day back in the pool again feeling as healthy as anything.

I found this great quote on Reddit, though, through quickly googling:

“People who are perfectionists and good at focusing at a specific task until they fix the problem can and most likely will induce their own heart symptoms; I know that I do. I’m not much of a perfectionist myself, but I can focus very strongly on things that I deem important; If there’s a problem I’ll focus on it until I’ve made it go away. However, example, focusing on a heart palpitations I’ve got only makes me more stressed which in result brings even more palpitations and the circle begins; Realising that you’re good at focusing can help you next time a symptom appears and your first instinct is to focus on it, examine it from all sides, think of all possible outcomes and completely ruin your mental peace in the process which leads to even more anxiety and even more symptoms;”

This was comforting, especially through realising that the very thing causing me anxiety— ability to focus on something until it’s ‘solved’— is a strength when harnessed in healthy ways! And it’s damned true. I often get hyper-focused on a problem until it’s solved, and can come up with satisfying solutions. Or speed-run learning a new skill, like soldering 😅.

In the past week I’ve gone through a trial-and-error learning process that seemed to take most other people (going by reviews of some necessary extra supplies I had to order) years more struggle to reach the same eventual solutions. And now I can solder and fix some simple electrical stuff :).

It’s not through virtue, but through being so upset by my struggles with it and not being able to achieve the goal I was going for, and not being able to get it out of my mind. And before that I was so upset by the inefficiency in the idea of having to replace electrical items simply because one part has broken, or because some cheap consumable component needs to be replaced.

Before I wrote this, I managed to do my favourite OCD trick— to just simply stop doing the damned compulsion, give up on trying to ‘do it perfectly one last time’, telling myself that it’ll never be perfect, and even if it is perfect, it just doesn’t matter!

Will not achieving the perfect ‘solution’ in the obsession/compulsion cycle bother me in two weeks’ time? No. Not even in an hours’ time. And that thought comforts me too :).

And do you know what? I was right. I’ve written this now and I’m not worried about it 😄.

…🥺

No really, lol 😉.

MY HEART’S FINE.