Pandemic Questions

Come on…there’s a global pandemic going on and I don’t even get to worry about it,
I’m so much more concerned with and focused on arguing my case to be housed in my own place,
So that I can begin real recovery from events which began before the pandemic,
To which the pandemic is only adding in a ‘one more thing’ kind of way,
And simply so that I can follow through with the plans for things which I could do from home, without the disturbances,
Which wouldβ€”
1) Help me to recover from the effects of the original traumas,
2) Help me through the pandemic itself;

If I am later asked “How did you cope with the pandemic?”,
Or “How did you deal with the mental health effects of the pandemic?”,
My response would be that I barely even noticed it becauseβ€”
1) I was suffering so much with isolation and PTSD-type internal battles anyway,
2) The daily stress and limitations of my living environment completely dwarfed any stress from the pandemic;

Odd though it may seem, I feel kind of short-changed!
I was always expecting a pandemic or some other great societal disturbance to happen,
And whilst it is I’m battling with something much more mundane!
Or maybe, if it wasn’t for that, the pandemic would truly be depressing me anyway? I only allow myself to feel absurdity over sadness about it (which is a luxury that I currently have, having not lost anybody I know, which isn’t many people to begin with),
And I wouldn’t have had so much practice at compartmentalising this stuff out in order to get through each day optimistically;

But the fact is that I’m living an extremely compromised and isolated, bizarre, monotonous lifestyle right now and have been for some time. It’s just so lost on me most of the time rather than something I’m consciously aware of. Which is a weird thing and when I am aware of this contradiction, it gives me this feeling of stark separation from most other peoples’ experiences of the pandemic.


2 thoughts on “Pandemic Questions

  1. I hope you begin to heal more from trauma. β™₯️I’m on a similar journey and in some ways feel isolated from the effects of the pandemicβ€” other than my friend passing of course. I don’t know if it’s a dissociation of sorts because I’m already overwhelmed and generally enjoy staying home anyway ? Sigh.

    Liked by 1 person

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