The Rules Are The Same

The rules are the same,
Whether I get up early-morning or late-evening,

Every moment is valid,
Is a good place to start,

The goals are the same,
And I don’t need to constantly measure myself.

Chiefly, my goal right now is practising avoiding dissociation and dissociative habits (body tics, looping thoughts etc),
Staying in the moment and aware,
Not conscious so much of what I’m doing,
But of how I’m doing it;

Which, ironically,
Is one of the ways in which I sum up OCDβ€”

OCD doesn’t care about what you’ve done,
So much as how you’ve done it.

But that’s not to de-validate what I just saidβ€”
Because OCD does it in an unhealthy, obsessive, overly-jugdemental way,
Not based in reality but in an arbitrary platonic version of things,
Which will never be reached;
It’s like mindfulness (if you want to call it that) gone wrong and taken to sadistic levels;

β€”I mean the opposite of that.

The danger which occurs when I’ve managed to fix my sleeping pattern and get up at the time I want, is that it’s very easy to measure how much I’ve done in the time that I’ve had to do it, which is an OCD pattern I’ve had for years but which it’s been possible to unlearn whilst living nocturnally and on erratic sleeping patterns, because it removed the reference points which made me aware of how much I’ve done in the day, vs. time spent dissociating and being anxious :).


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