Haunted By A Nightmare

Still alive, still alive,
For now,
Caring for myself in the most basic of ways,
Surviving the emotional pain and getting through this moment only;

It is not a time for too much reflection on the past,
Not in the present circumstances—
A certain degree of emotional safety is required, before delving into that;

Oh, the feeling of bottomless abyss in my stomach,
A void of all happiness, hope and joy,
If I start to recall too many of those memories,
Painful, painful, painful,
Unbelievable all the things that I’ve experienced,
All alone;

And the longer I go without contact with family,
The more and more I realise how incessantly I’ve been judged,
Morally,
Every thing I do falling into one of two categories—
Good, or bad,

Where expressing my intense emotional pain was most definitely categorised as ‘bad’;
Never once, all the way back,
Do I remember being treated with empathy for that;
Merely despised, hated,
And ever-conscious of the muttered talking about me,
Out of sight,
But not quite out of mind;

How automatic is the reaction to feel like I need to justify every negative emotion,
Because there’s certainly no sympathy nor empathy coming,
Only angry complaints about the inconvenience,
Or even worse,
Silence, ignoring, turning and walking away,
Small actions of body-language loaded with such intense and devastating implications;

I think the only way I could’ve survived that as a child was through knowing nothing else,
But as an adult,
Knowing the reality that I’m not a bad person,
Having had the chance to learn who I am outside of that environment,
With so many positive memories of positive associations with people,
Experiences so far-removed from that nightmare,
It was not survivable;

And I’m feeling it again, now,
That’s why I can’t look back too much;

Thus, having been face-to-face with all of that,
It’s taking all of my energy,
Deepest self-appreciation,
To find small things to keep me going.

🌪