How Do You Sleep At Night? Huh?

How do you sleep at night?
Taking so much from me,

F***ing OCD,
Trauma-coping mechanisms;

These past two years,
All of those experiences—

Trying to play instruments,
Trying to read a book,
Meeting up with a friend,
The daytime drives, the night drives,
Everything which might bring me joy,
Triggers in me, instead, anxiety and fear,
Retreat into distracting and numbing mental routines,
—Putting the simplest of things so out of reach,

Stemming from the permanent damage,
Which my family did,
Cutting those bonds forever,
What a grief it was;
Just what I faced in those terrifying moments,
The ensuing traumas,
And how much I survived…
Will take a long time to process;

It’s crazy all the different experiences I’ve merely witnessed,
Miles I’ve driven,
All in this painful state of dissociation because I’m too afraid to experience anything,
Such an epic span of time;
At least I do now have the chance to recount it all, how much it’s taken,
With the therapist (I know I’ve already said this!);
That’s all I wanted— to be heard and understood,
To be able to let it go;

But OCD is the liar,
And the question is bloody perfect—
How do you sleep at night? Huh?

🌪