Oh my GAD,
I’m suffering from generalised anxiety,
I’m scared of demands,
Don’t worry, Robin,
It’s always worse than you’re imagining.
No— BETTER than you’re imagining,
LESS bad than you’re imagining.
Remember to seize the moment, lighten it up!
—Try the juggling balls!
Trying to add any kind of structure into my day, especially making plans to create something, always cripples me with anxiety and obsessive behaviours at the moment. Any hint of a demand placed on myself— even from myself— triggers this backwards slide. Especially when it’s something that I would otherwise take great satisfaction in doing. It’s really obtuse.
It’s slow progress trying to reach this point of understanding with my therapist, because the context of all the traumas leading up to my current situation is so important. These behaviours evolved and worsened through trauma after trauma.
I started a podcast the other day and I don’t want it to become a ‘graveyard’ podcast like so many others out there. It won’t become one because I’m starting it based on solid intentions. Yet precisely because I don’t want that to happen, and that it needn’t happen, that creates a demand on myself that I can’t deal with at the moment. Yet not having goals isn’t an option for me either. I’m stuck in this middle-ground of constant agitation 🤦♂️. It’s the same with my blog or writing poems— the minute I plan to create anything specific, my days goes downhill. It’s all just spontaneous writings.
I guess, I just need to remember— it doesn’t matter how much time passes in-between episodes— because I know that it’s not going to become a ‘graveyard’ podcast (that’s just a term I use in my head!). It may take weeks or months for that to become evident to everyone else, but it doesn’t matter. I always do things that I say I’m going to. 😄
Talking of the podcast— I haven’t mentioned it to many people yet, because I wanted to wait until it was a consistent endeavour/hobby. Say, 10 episodes or something.