Oh my GAD,
I’m suffering from generalised anxiety,
I’m scared of demands,

Don’t worry, Robin,
It’s always worse than you’re imagining.

Noβ€” BETTER than you’re imagining,
LESS bad than you’re imagining.

Remember to seize the moment, lighten it up!
Oh, yeah,
β€”Try the juggling balls!

Trying to add any kind of structure into my day, especially making plans to create something, always cripples me with anxiety and obsessive behaviours at the moment. Any hint of a demand placed on myselfβ€” even from myselfβ€” triggers this backwards slide. Especially when it’s something that I would otherwise take great satisfaction in doing. It’s really obtuse.

It’s slow progress trying to reach this point of understanding with my therapist, because the context of all the traumas leading up to my current situation is so important. These behaviours evolved and worsened through trauma after trauma.

I started a podcast the other day and I don’t want it to become a ‘graveyard’ podcast like so many others out there. It won’t become one because I’m starting it based on solid intentions. Yet precisely because I don’t want that to happen, and that it needn’t happen, that creates a demand on myself that I can’t deal with at the moment. Yet not having goals isn’t an option for me either. I’m stuck in this middle-ground of constant agitation πŸ€¦β€β™‚οΈ. It’s the same with my blog or writing poemsβ€” the minute I plan to create anything specific, my days goes downhill. It’s all just spontaneous writings.

I guess, I just need to rememberβ€” it doesn’t matter how much time passes in-between episodesβ€” because I know that it’s not going to become a ‘graveyard’ podcast (that’s just a term I use in my head!). It may take weeks or months for that to become evident to everyone else, but it doesn’t matter. I always do things that I say I’m going to. πŸ˜„

Talking of the podcastβ€” I haven’t mentioned it to many people yet, because I wanted to wait until it was a consistent endeavour/hobby. Say, 10 episodes or something.


9 thoughts on “Oh My GAD

      1. I had a listen! Great work Robin! πŸ‘
        I love the wee bitesize chunks – almost like opening a window into deeper thoughts…
        You must keep it up.
        It’s clear you have a voice that needs to be heard my friend πŸ‘πŸ–€

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi, thanks a lot! And thanks for bringing me back to this post, was useful to read again :).

      Unfortunately this post was too prophetic, I haven’t made a podcast episode since last December, but the final nail was actually environmental disturbance in the place I’m living in, it became untenable. Here I am almost a year later in the same place :), though there’s less disturbance now. I’m being moved on to another place at the end of this month. I’m waiting until I feel secure again with my accommodation, whilst continuing to battle to get the accommodation that I need. It’s a shame that I can’t keep the podcast up because it was therapeutic, but I’ll be returning to it at the right time!

      The podcast is called Unheard Mind Podcast.


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