Trying, Trying Not To Dissociate

It’s so hard to be absorbed in repetitive OCD body tic obsessions,
To this extent,
I’ve been suspending disbelief, living day by day,
Hour by hour,
Knowing that it’s a temporary holding period,
Biding my time, playing the survival game,
Until I can really start to improve;

I started seeing a counsellor last Friday,
And I have another appointment today,
It’s a huge relief, to finally be there,
To have this opportunity,

Although it is quite painstaking,
Since there’s so much to get through,
And when my days are so…
Out of my control when hours are spent on these obsessions,
It’s hard not to feel impatient;

But I just need to remain patient,
I do have better days,
And there is now a stable, mid-term trajectory of improvement,
Things are improving over time now,
I just have to keep trying, trying,
To reach that state where I can go outside of myself and these obsessions,
And actually start to be in myself,
And experience the world,

Well that’s new. A constructive, optimistic mental health poem that came naturally, spontaneously and which rhymes, flows fluently… I have been finding it harder to put events into prosey words lately, which was initially all I wrote. It’s a different creative state to be in which can’t be found but comes when it’s needed.

It’s actually quite strange because rhymes and rhythm come without me even noticing until I re-read it. Whereas in other things I write, it’s more of a conscious, gradual process. But putting my feelings and emotions into words is the easiest thing, because it’s something which already exists. And it’s highly therapeutic. Good to know it’s still there.


22 thoughts on “Trying, Trying Not To Dissociate

    1. But that’s a very different kind of creativity. In fact it’s the opposite of these kind of poemsβ€” because these emotional, mental health ones come out in one piece, unfinished and I so rarely feel the need to change anything. With this one I changed nothing at all, which made it even more surprising that I enjoyed the rhythm of it so much. And thankfully OCD wasn’t affecting the actual typing of it, and interrupting my flow.

      With the tautogram onesβ€” everything is up in the air from the beginningβ€” the subject, the words, the rhythm. And an important part of it is deciding on a number of paragraphs/verses, because otherwise you can keep finding tantalising words to use (I look at word lists for them), and keep making it longer, or the quality suffers.

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