Toilet Paper Detected On Venus

Astronomers have confirmed the detection of signs of toilet paper in the atmosphere of Venus.

“Venus has a very dense, hot atmosphere but we know that at high altitudes of 50 kilometers or so the temperature and pressure are both pretty Earth-like. Toilet paper could stay aloft indefinitely in Venus’ clouds”.

Scientists pointed out that the current pandemic had aided in the discovery—

“As a result of a government contract to assist in the design of a (world-leading) system¹ for remote sensing of toilet paper from Earth orbit— which some of my colleagues were involved with— we knew that we had the technological capability for long-range detection of toilet paper. Since it is such a reliable biomarker, we decided (on a whim, really) to use the technology to study Venus, but were stunned when the spectral analysis showed unmistakably the presence of toilet paper— and in such large quantities— in Venus’ atmosphere.”

Space agencies and private companies around the world are now scrambling to prepare follow-up missions to begin the mining of Venusian toilet paper.

¹ The Remote Detection System in the Track and Trace of Toilet Rolls (RoiDSinTaTTeRs) was created for the enforcement of national toilet paper rationing.

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