Toilet Research

Scientists admit controversial findings from latest coronavirus research—

The presence of large quantities of toilet paper improves peoples’ chances of surviving coronavirus;

“Due to a quirk in the shape of the viral envelope protein and the molecular structure of toilet paper…
Toilet paper acts like a sponge,
Effectively ‘scrubbing’ the air of coronavirus particles,
Thus…
Those who’ve stockpiled massive quantities of toilet paper,
Actually have a significantly-increased chance of surviving the coronavirus pandemic”;

Evolutionary biologists have pointed out an uncomfortable additional implication of this discovery—

“Since this mechanism has resulted in…
An increased chance of successful reproduction in those who stockpile toilet paper,
It comprises, therefore…
An evolutionary selection pressure favouring fucking idiots.”;

Leading think tanks are in agreement in concluding that the only rational response to this latest finding is for everybody to immediately begin buying toilet paper— for the future intellectual integrity of humanity.

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