Toilet Research

Scientists admit controversial findings from latest coronavirus researchβ€”

The presence of large quantities of toilet paper improves peoples’ chances of surviving coronavirus;

“Due to a quirk in the shape of the viral envelope protein and the molecular structure of toilet paper…
Toilet paper acts like a sponge,
Effectively ‘scrubbing’ the air of coronavirus particles,
Thus…
Those who’ve stockpiled massive quantities of toilet paper,
Actually have a significantly-increased chance of surviving the coronavirus pandemic”;

Evolutionary biologists have pointed out an uncomfortable additional implication of this discoveryβ€”

“Since this mechanism has resulted in…
An increased chance of successful reproduction in those who stockpile toilet paper,
It comprises, therefore…
An evolutionary selection pressure favouring fucking idiots.”;

Leading think tanks are in agreement in concluding that the only rational response to this latest finding is for everybody to immediately begin buying toilet paperβ€” for the future intellectual integrity of humanity.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

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