What is this feeling,
That is pulling me back?
When experiencing a frame of mind,
That I haven’t for some time;
Suddenly I found myself able to read easily,
But why? What for?
Did all those struggles not count?
It can be difficult to let the old habits and anxieties go,
When I’m feeling so unheard,
When it’s just me and my own internal world,
I’d love to get it all off my chest,
To a therapist, a person in the know,
I’d love to go through everything,
It’s been such a long ordeal;
But, it’s OK Robin,
You can take those small wins,
There’s no need to compare,
It is OK, to just take them as they are.
OCD is a malicious beast, it can rob you of so much. And to experience some kind of normality, relaxation again, brings with it instant guilt, confusion, grief. Especially when there’s no one to help me digest it all. When it’s all essentially an internal problem. I have the urge to try to make sense of it, of the change, to remember how it felt before just so I can check that there really is a difference and to honour my struggles. But with that kind of brain clarity when anxiety isn’t sabotaging me and stopping me from doing things, it’s another chance to practise being in the now and taking things as they are, improvements and all.