Trauma Stories

A bit here,
A bit there,
No one person,
Knows all of my trauma stories;

Glimpses here,
Glimpses there,
A psychiatrist reacts with horror to just one of those stories,
A psychologist is saddened by another of them,
They are all impressed with my survivability,
And shocked at the lack of insight into my struggles for so long;

But there’s no time,
To explore further,
I am not a part of their caseload,
I have not waited the required years to be top of the list,
I do not meet the criteria for level of urgency,
I can only afford to pay them for this one hour assessment;

These little glimpses,
Here and there,
Of what I am missing out on,
And these little vindications,
Here and there,
Of the kind of support which I know that I need;

It’s very difficult,
When you can only wonder,
Just what would it feel like for one person to empathise,
With all of my stories, both past and present,

For, until then,
These glimpses are only telling me,
That the scale of my need for help will be unknown to others,
Until I have had that opportunity.

A few examples of trauma stories which individually drew lots of horror and empathy recently:

β€”Repeatedly being locked out of the house at night as a child, exposing me to my greatest phobia (of the darkness), with no shoes on and nobody making any move to let me in, despite my frantic screaming through the letterbox and banging on the door;

β€”Having the police phoned on me by my dad, as a child and adult, as a result of meltdown situations triggered by him gaslighting me (making insulting/snide remarks and goading me into a rage);

β€”Being locked out of the house and forced into homelessness by my parents and brother, last year, obstructing me from the support which I was getting at the time, and having to live in my car for 7 months.

See, I can only tell bits of the story to different people,
And these are just the beginning.

Oh, and a professor at university once screamed at me that I’m a stupid fucking twat,

Now you see why I’m no fan of absolute authority and cannot take life seriously πŸ˜‰.


8 thoughts on “Trauma Stories

  1. Sigh!

    “A bit here,
    A bit there,
    No one person,
    Knows all of my trauma stories”

    The person, the right person, will understand your trauma, but with a difference, that person will look at you and see the human being that you are. I have this opinion that some individuals should never be parents because they cannot educate or give the proper amount of love to a child. Men and women who are emotionally broken are a complete failure at the task of how to teach children to fly and be healthy adults.

    I will always stand against this shitty unprotective behavior and lack of real empathy from society. Also, I know that your circumstances should never be fully disclosed because even though they are part of you, at the end of the day, you are so much more than that. You deserve to feel safe, but more than that, be nurture and as seen as a real man.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Alexandra!

      Yes, I agree with you, there’s no reason necessarily to describe everything. More just to describe everything that is relevant to my situation, in order to help get me out of the immediately stressful situation and into a safe situationβ€” housing environment, and to deal with any lasting psychological effects/anxieties.

      It’s also necessary for explaining to the right people why family aren’t helping me (except financially), and especially emotionally, which is part of the immediate situation. But yeah, longer term, I have no particular need to describe absolutely everything, because the principles and lessons are clear from describing just some of them.

      Thanks for your understanding!

      Liked by 1 person

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