Re-traumatised

The very people I’m relying on to help me,
Are the ones with the power to re-traumatise me;

An email was sent,
From a different address,
And it’s sent me into a panic-attack state,

Right at the start of the day,
When I had got up energetically and optimistically,
This has sent me,
Right backwards again;

Since they will pay the rent,
Apparently, that brings new terms into the equation,
β€”They need a solitictor,
To check the contract?
Others out there with aspergers or narcissism in the family,
They may recognise,
These bizarre ways of working;
Shifting the power over to them,
It makes me feel even more powerless and reliant on them;
Whether or not that’s the goal,
I don’t think so,
But it’s how these things always seem to go;

And that’s just giving me extra anxiety,
Will I find a place,
Only to lose it through dithering?

And then, questionsβ€”
Have you found any more houses?
My progress being tracked;

Argghhh!!!

But the solution was simple,
Block this new address,
Keep everything,
Back onto my terms;

Damn I am traumatised,
And they really are my last hope,
I fell through all the gaps remember,
I was just two years too young (to be housed by myself);
According to the system,
I was undeserving of help;

Todayβ€”
Two people from the mental health team came by,
Because of last week’s breakdown;

The result of the conversation?
I told them of how I couldn’t do PIP,
Because of the constant anxiety,
But their only response, wasβ€”
You’ll have to prioritise doing PIP;

As if they think,
I’m somehow doing anything at all,
And I’m just not prioritising the PIP application?

This is how it has always goneβ€”
Speak to the police,
Speak to the hospital,
Speak to the mental health team,
Fighting dissociation,
And it all comes back to the same thing,
Which I cannot do;

It breaks my heart to think of others out there,
Who don’t have this final option to fall back on;

This last option is stressing me out,
But,
I won’t allow it to,
It is all on my terms;
Forget them,
I only need them to pay the rent,
No more;

There are two people whom directly support me,
And I will talk to them,
They’ll reassure me,
And with them I can plan how to do this,
Without becoming re-traumatised.

They may have broken me,
But they’ll never know the strength I have,
Through facing life’s challenges instead of blaming.

Take it easy today,
Today can be your weekend,
Forget them all,
They are just not worth it! πŸ’™

πŸŒͺ

5 thoughts on “Re-traumatised

    1. Thank you very much Natalie! I loved this message. It was a great thing to say. πŸ’™

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      1. I’ve gotten to a point in my life, finally, where I shake everything off! It may have hardened my heart a little but it’s just a little wall of protection😘

        Like

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