Re-traumatised

The very people I’m relying on to help me,
Are the ones with the power to re-traumatise me;

An email was sent,
From a different address,
And it’s sent me into a panic-attack state,

Right at the start of the day,
When I had got up energetically and optimistically,
This has sent me,
Right backwards again;

Since they will pay the rent,
Apparently, that brings new terms into the equation,
—They need a solitictor,
To check the contract?
Others out there with aspergers or narcissism in the family,
They may recognise,
These bizarre ways of working;
Shifting the power over to them,
It makes me feel even more powerless and reliant on them;
Whether or not that’s the goal,
I don’t think so,
But it’s how these things always seem to go;

And that’s just giving me extra anxiety,
Will I find a place,
Only to lose it through dithering?

And then, questions—
Have you found any more houses?
My progress being tracked;

Argghhh!!!

But the solution was simple,
Block this new address,
Keep everything,
Back onto my terms;

Damn I am traumatised,
And they really are my last hope,
I fell through all the gaps remember,
I was just two years too young (to be housed by myself);
According to the system,
I was undeserving of help;

Today—
Two people from the mental health team came by,
Because of last week’s breakdown;

The result of the conversation?
I told them of how I couldn’t do PIP,
Because of the constant anxiety,
But their only response, was—
You’ll have to prioritise doing PIP;

As if they think,
I’m somehow doing anything at all,
And I’m just not prioritising the PIP application?

This is how it has always gone—
Speak to the police,
Speak to the hospital,
Speak to the mental health team,
Fighting dissociation,
And it all comes back to the same thing,
Which I cannot do;

It breaks my heart to think of others out there,
Who don’t have this final option to fall back on;

This last option is stressing me out,
But,
I won’t allow it to,
It is all on my terms;
Forget them,
I only need them to pay the rent,
No more;

There are two people whom directly support me,
And I will talk to them,
They’ll reassure me,
And with them I can plan how to do this,
Without becoming re-traumatised.

They may have broken me,
But they’ll never know the strength I have,
Through facing life’s challenges instead of blaming.

Take it easy today,
Today can be your weekend,
Forget them all,
They are just not worth it! 💙

🌪