Battle For Repersonalisation

Now that I have hope,
Of soon leaving this stressful and traumatic place,
So many positive changes have already occurred in my mind,

And yet,
I am still left with the huge burden of OCD and depersonalisation rituals,
Which really came on stronger with the warmer summer weather,
Through the physical stress,
And through burned-in associations created last year,
And lacking my fan,
The heat’s been getting to me,
On top of the only-building stresses from this housing situation;

It’s difficult to describe,
Just how absurd and pernicious these habits,
Rituals,
Tics,
Mental states,
Are and have been;

And to describe just how much energy it takes,
To consciously refrain from indulging in the urges,
To monitor it and to deliberately remain calm,
And to do it consistently;

More and more of each day has been burned up by these things lately,
I have lost control of the day again,
Lost control of being able to make choices about what I do,
—This is not being hard on myself,
It’s simply being unable to physically control my body and my mind,
And therefore to enjoy anything which should help;

Those are the things which make your self,
And therefore it is depersonalisation,
Against your own will,
Which is a very traumatic experience;

But I’m writing this,
Just to get it out,
And to express that I have new energies,
To fight this personal battle again.

🌪