True Depression

True depression,
When you persistently cannot get out of bed,
For hours and hours,
And nothing makes you feel better,

There is no comfort,
In being told to keep going,
And there’s no comfort,
In people telling you they care about you;

You feel sick,
Unmotivated,
With a headache,
And losing appetite;

It’s the end game,
When nothing but finally escaping toxic environments,
Will help me;

I’ve gone from one toxic environment to another,
For the last few years,
I’ve fallen through all the gaps,
Of systems designed to be as unforgiving as possible;

I’ve fallen through all the gaps,
I have to rely on family to rent a place for me,
A solution I suggested two years ago,
But, of course,
They’ve never taken me seriously;

Relying on family to do this for me,
As a last resort,
Which is quite ironic,
Since family should be the first resort in a crisis,
But my family is backwards,
They took the easy route of blaming all the family problems on me,
And never criticised my abusive dad;

I feel sick,
This is my only hope,
I’ve fallen through all the gaps.

Also, yesterday,
In another total meltdown from the stress,
I threw my stool at the window,
And the window frame is shattered.
Everything’s falling apart by the day.
This is not me.

I am deeply traumatised,
I need to be out of here,
My housemates have made it hell.

I have lost so much,
Because of this trauma;
I’ve lost Green Health,
Because of the first crisis situation caused by the stress here,
Which lead to the bad phone conversation with Sara who runs it,
Which ruined everything;

I’ve lost so much just because of this toxic environment which I am in,
It’s devastating to me,
After I worked so hard.

πŸŒͺ

27 thoughts on “True Depression

    1. Thank you Lorraine. I appreciate your sympathetic messages! Things are looking up a bit more now :).

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you πŸ’™πŸ’™πŸ’™

      It’s been really hard for a long time but I’m transformed now, which is just confirming (if it was ever needed) how much I need a good environment and that it comes before everything else. It’s always been out of my reach because of cost etc, dependent on having a job and so I’ve never felt like it was possible to have a home environment that was actually relaxing. But now I have real hope of being able to get it.

      Everything has become so easy now that I have this hope, both the organisational things I need to do and I have motivation for relaxing things too. And now my voice can heal after being used a lot for the last few days. I’m already thinking of lighter things and jokes to write :).

      I found a really promising place earlier which is within the budget that’s available, and even if I can’t get that place, it proves the concept :).

      There’s so much that I’ll be able to do with the right environment :). Both healing for myself and things that I can do for the world. πŸ’™

      I hope you’re doing ok πŸ€—

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes!!! Keep that mind healthy and everything else seems to fall into place! I’m encouraged by your renewed hope! Something nobody can take from usπŸ’ͺ🏼

        Liked by 1 person

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