Uncomfortable

I feel uncomfortable, being myself now,
Because I shared my blog with family,
(Out of desperation in a terrible situation),
Last November,

Which very much diminishes a large benefit of having my blog,
And diminishes my feeling of independence from them,
Which is important and necessary for me to have;

Then I was in contact with them again,
Last week,
Asking for help with paying for the assessments,
But then I was left with a sickening feeling;

Simply put,
They don’t deserve contact from me,
Not at all,
For the reality of my situation last January,
Was absolutely unbelievable;
People find it hard to believe,
And nowhere yet has been shared the full details;

It’s only thanks to my own tenacity,
That the severity isn’t more evident,
And my only chance of discussing any of it,
Has been through my blog;

Simply put,
They are incapable of putting themselves in my situation,
They always have been,
And any attempt to try to show that kind of empathy is hollow,
It’s a pre-learned act,
Or completely non-existent;
It’s a scary and toxic situation for me,
It’s all conditional,
Not a thing would’ve changed without my blog,
Except for the worse,
(Ultimatums on sending monthly money, for example),
And there’s no reason to think that it should make any difference after so long;
My value is not conditional on my writing ability,
My value is intrinsic;

Sure,
I’ve always been the more understanding and forgiving,
(And the depths to which those toxic influences run in me,
Is shown by the nagging part of my brain which is smirking back at that comment!
Smirking back in a smug, condescending way,
Even though I’ve always known it to be true,
—Not by virtue nor anything conscious,
Just through my natural, intuitive sensitivity),
But the severity of my situation was such,
And still is,
That I can only do what’s best for me at the moment;

I’ve come a long way, all by myself,
And then further with the help of blog readers and friends,
But I’m not going to waste it,
And there’s a long way to go;

What do I do?
Restart my blog somewhere else?
I’ve deeply considered it,
But then how to keep it secret?

At the end of the day,
Blogging is public,
And for me, being non-anonymous is important,
So really it makes no difference,
If I write here or anywhere else,
Now that they know I am writing,
They’ll always be able to find it;

And it’ll never be a reason for holding back,
On what I need to write about;

So I’ll keep it going,
I just need to find myself again!

🌪