I’m So Exhausted

I’m so exhausted,
From battling with everything stacked against me,

In multiple directions I have to struggle to get anywhere near to what I need,
I was only able to make progress with help from the Green Health and Stepping Forward charities,
And it seems like I’ve lost the support of both, now;
Sarah went into planned surgery without telling me,
Which accounted for a few weeks of silence,
Then I knew that she was in bed on morphine, still without a reason so I was worrying about that,
Then a few weeks after that, learned that it was just surgeryβ€”
Even though she’s been in touch since then,
And helped with writing a letter,
β€”It leaves me with so much confusion and paranoia;

I focused for months on communicating with the council tenancy sustainment officer,
With them agreeing on my plan to get the supporting letters to help with my case,
And when I finally got hold of the first two letters,
That was the point at which they decided to brush me off…
And are now ignoring my emails;

That was supposed to be step one,
Other things I need to do are:
Convince Universal Credit to increase my housing allowance so I could afford the rent of self-contained accommodation from the council,
In order to do that I need to apply again for a Work Capability Assessment to get the Disability Premium Allowance,
Then appeal the inevitable negative decision,
I also need to restart the application for Personal Independence Payment, which is another disability benefit,
And when I finally get the assessment for that done,
Go through the process of a tribunal, which the benefits advisor guy advised me would be inevitable;

Each of those processes are deliberately designed to be as hard as possible,
To reduce the number of successful claimants of those things,
And the council has some arbitrary age restriction on granting self-contained accommodation (35),
Unless there medical exceptions;

None of the above is possible without a proactive adviser,
Regular meetings,
Agreeing on next steps,
Especially not for the sort of person who needs those things,
Being in a bad situation to begin with;
I don’t even have the support of close family members,
Or anybody living with me,
So I’m extremely alone with this;

And lately I’ve been raging again,
Screaming at the top of my lungs,
And today has been so difficult,
And I don’t accept wasted days like this,
I don’t accept my life going by;

I’ve been having suicidal thoughts again for the first time in months,
And yes it’s not nice to write it, nor to read it,
But everyone always says, you’ve just got to ask for help, right?
Wrong;

All I can do is make my voice heard,
Explicitly in terrible and uncomfortable detail,
Telling people how I feel,
Not that it’ll make any difference;

What else do people want to hear?
That I’m already dead?
I’m too tired to keep screaming.

πŸŒͺ

22 thoughts on “I’m So Exhausted

  1. Robin, this is a very sad post!
    I feel terrible for you!

    The part to me that was most distressing is that you are having suicidal thoughts again.
    But, you are wrong about people not being able to help, I remember many years ago when I stayed on the phone with a very good friend was was actually on the verge of suicide and my talking to her(for over 5 hours) saved her life!
    Call someone, you mentioned to me that you do live video calls with a blogger ~ call that person ~ I am sure there is someone who can be of help !
    I don’t know what else to say except that I care about you very much ~ ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Margie :). I did have a text chat with another friend I made through wordpress and it was helpful.

      By help I was really referring to the proper help that I need in order to be able to help myself and healβ€” like being in my own place.

      There’s no point for me to be helped through crisis after crisis with those things not moving forwards, and even worse with people within those systems actively working against me.

      I did have a phone call yesterday with a new charity here which the mental health nurse who had some email contact with me, referred me to last week. They are able to help me in the ways that Stepping Forward were/are, and some of the things which Green Health did too, but it sounds more reliable. I told them of my communication issues with the other charities and they were very understanding and on my side with that.

      But feeling abandoned by the people who were already helping me very well is still very painful, and makes it hard to put any faith into the new charity, until I start actually having calls with them (something the other charities couldn’t even keep up during the lockdown).

      I will look back on this time as just as traumatic and difficult as the car living period. So I have to remember that I will feel equally proud of myself for it later on. Unless I die in the meantime of other causes.

      I resent that my useless family read my blog, too, because it makes me imagine their terrible misinterpretations and under-estimation of the seriousness of it, which is so typical of them. I am holding back so much with what I write sometimes, with the anger that I have, especially towards them. I am so used to having to exaggerate all emotions because they ignore or misunderstand everything. So knowing that they are reading toned-down versions of them, is painful. I do wish I’d never shared it with them because it makes them enter my thoughts too much.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I’ve managed to eat now anyway and I’ve got some baked potatoes cooking so I’m focusing on starting the next day at 2/3 am πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, I am so glad you responded to my comment as I was really worried about you Robin.
    And I did understand what you were referring to and I also understand how it can get so bad that one might have suicidal thoughts.
    So glad had a text call and that helped!
    Also glad for your call with the mental health nurse and that helped as well.

    Your family reads your blog ~ I am sorry for all the distress they have put you through!!!!! 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Margie πŸ™‚ sorry for making you worried.

      Yeah in November in a crisis period when I was homeless again, out of desperation I asked Toby to show it to them. But since then I’ve been determined that it won’t limit what I write, because I wasn’t originally intending for them to read it, and I need to be free to write about what I need to.

      My brother keeps trying to msg me too through my blog which is annoying. The brief bits I glanced at were the usual attempts at self-justification and expressions of lack of remorse πŸ˜†. Shockingly bad. I’ve figured out how to block people now though so will do that next time :).

      It’s unhealthy for me to be giving them a second’s thought if I want to heal to be honest.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Gosh, how come your brother just doesn’t call?
        Or, is it better not to have any contact with him?
        Anyway, sorry for all of it ~ families can wreck havoc on our lives ~ I consider myself very lucky that my family has always been so good to me and so very supportive!
        You must do what you must for healing, Robin.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I blocked them all in January last year. I was wanting to have no communication at all but I kept having to ask parents for money. Now I have a regular payment so I don’t need to contact them.

        But they sometimes communicate through Toby which I don’t like because it places stress on him. That only happened recently e.g. so my aunt could let me know she’s getting rid of my stuff because she’s getting engaged (her logic doesn’t make any sense to me…). Oh and my brother’s moving house so also wanted to know if I was getting my remaining stuff from there. Like it’s a priority for me! πŸ€¦β€β™‚οΈ.

        No matter the number of ways I tried to block them, my brother always found a new way πŸ˜†. And each time a communication got through, it was deeply lacking in empathy as always so was freshly traumatising. I mean, I didn’t read any of it, but my eye would notice or a word or phrase as I deleted them and somehow whatever I glimpsed was crazily inappropriate.

        “You must do what you must for healing, Robin.”

        Thanks, yeah definitely :). And it’s all on hold to some extent until i can be in a safe environment and truly let go within my body πŸ€¦β€β™‚οΈ.

        This stuff seems pretty normal now for an autistic family, emotional trauma is so common and it’s so easy for me to see why.

        Haha, my friend’s mum was once telling me how she has a brother who’s ill and had a leg amputated, and all kinds of things. But that she justified not visiting him even though he’s physically not that far away, by the fact it would take 3 buses and 2 hours across London to get there πŸ€¦β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦β€β™‚οΈ. I mean she said it in all seriousness, by way of empathising with my situation. And in so many other situations I saw a strong lack of empathy and strong self-righteousness. For sure my friend has traits of autism and that’s why we’re good friends! Autistic people just vary so much even within families.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh, now I understand the situation better, thank you for explaining it to me, Robin.
    It’s good that you don’t need any help from your family in a monetary way now!
    So, your aunt is getting engaged and needs to get rid of your stuff ~ that is bizarre ~
    LOL on the situation with your friend’s mum and her brother ~ good lord!
    Take good care, Robin ~ be strong, be brave ~

    Like

    1. Thanks Pooja πŸ™‚ I am feeling better today. I received a lot of understanding yesterday and have new angry music to play in those situations :). I am also pouring that anger into pressups.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I don’t want to like this because it just sounds like a long, convoluted pain in your ass and it really doesn’t deserve hitting the like button. I’m sorry you’ve got all this shit to deal with. I’d probably be climbing walls if I had this much stressors hanging over my head. I’m sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you V. It was very helpful you commenting because it reminded me that your situation sometimes/often sounded like this for a long time and you kept going. And you definitely had people working against you at times, and things stacking up and up on top of each other.

      I really appreciate having the understanding, it really helps :). It’s still a relatively novel thing to me, too. I’ve only ever experienced that from last September onwards, and currently only from people I met through wordpress like you.

      Like

  5. Robin,

    After reading your post, I have to ask you this: Near where you live, do you have green places where you can walk and take deep breaths to feel nature?

    If this comfort you, I have been in the middle of a big life-changing event. And those are so hard because you feel alone, emotionally depleted, and tired. If you can take a big walk surrounding by nature, journal your thoughts and allow yourself to scream for real.

    Like me, I am sure you will succeed.

    Sending you a big hug! ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Alexandra,

      Thank you so much for your comment! That was very helpful and heartwarming, and encouraging.

      I actually just got back from going to a nice green area, with woods and a lake. I was there whilst you wrote your comment, haha :D.

      My situation is complicated because I was always extremely energetic and outside a lot, I needed all that for my mood, but I’ve had severe arthritis in one knee since 2012 and now some in the other knee too. My knee history is complicated and long, but for the time-being it’s a terminal situation. (I know that’s an oxymoron!).

      I have an electric scooter which I use to get around (the type which are now popular!), besides my car. I just recently got that scooter working after 6 months without it, so it is starting to help me again :). Besides that, I do pressups and I tried to buy some weights but this lockdown has made those very unavailable πŸ˜†. Anyways I’m just trying to cover off other suggestions lol. Complicated situation! But yeah, riding the scooter out in nature does really help :).

      πŸ€—

      Liked by 1 person

      1. πŸ™‚

        Robin,

        My intuition never fails, and for some reason, I felt being in nature is essential for your well being. Try not to hear music and focus your attention on the bird sounds and trees. It enhances your dopamine and oxytocin production. When you feel anxiety or rage, drink water because the more water you drink, the more your cortisol levels will maintain normal levels.

        I feel you have been in a cycle of emotional abuse for a very long time, so please, don’t feel bad to erase from your life toxic people and situations. You know, this might sound a cliche, but life is too short for us to waste time with trivialities.

        And now for fun, one video:

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks very much! :).

        Haha, that’s interesting. I usually have a good intuition about people too. Thanks for the tip about water. I do drink a lot already, but I’ll keep that in mind :).

        I usually listen to a podcast whilst riding around actually, haha. It helps to block out the sounds of cars when riding by roads. But yeah I should take them out once in a quiet place :). You’re right, I used to really like that aspect of going out running in the countryside. I also reallllly love the smells at this time of year in the South of England. Well, actually it’s the absolute best in May, it’s buddleias I’m picking up on especially. But any time after rain in summer, it smells amazing.

        Yeah, I’ve definitely been suffering emotionally for a long time! And for sure amounts to emotional abuse with close family and a few others. Thankfully I haven’t seen those since January last year though and had minimal contact.

        Thanks for the video! I had to check the real one after to fully appreciate it, lol. Actually the real one came across as even more weird! πŸ€¦β€β™‚οΈ

        Liked by 1 person

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