I Will Overcome It The Bastard

Whyyy do I keep doing this,
When my plan goes wrong at the start of the day,
I went to sleep early but didn’t expect to sleep that long,
But I’d had to miss sleep the night before,
So I could start getting up early again,

Constantly correcting,
Constantly adjusting,
Rarely happy because of the constant changes,
It’s so frustrating;

Just can’t get any stability,
The different stresses are too varying,
There are too many factors which affect regular sleeping,
So many imposed from the outside,

So I’ve got to be kind to myself,
Given that,
But that doesn’t change the fact that I need to be in a more regular routine and I’m not,
And that I want to begin and live each day positively and I’m not;

It’s really hard to practice meditative calm when I already wake up in an agitated state,
It’s much easier when I can at least begin the day like that, like yesterday;

Of course, if I’m just able to stay calm and focused now,
Then I will achieve that already by tomorrow,

That’s always the challengeβ€”
To forgive the ‘loss’ of a part of one day,
In order to gain the full day the next,
And the day after,

I’m trying to make the most of the sunlight,
Which I really need,
It might not be sunny tomorrow,

I rationally know that all of these thoughts,
Are only encouraged by days being too monotonous,
With hardly any social contact,
Nothing to distract me from aiming for complete perfection;

Too few opportunities to discuss these with anyone,
For the chance to find that emotional understanding that it’s unnecessary constructs,
And for somebody to encourage me,
Synchronously not asynchronously,
That always helps me;

I hate it,
The internal battle,
I already have the external ones;

It’s made a huge difference already,
The zombie housemate being away,
I just hope that I can get out of here,
As soon as possible,
Just got to keep going,
A stable, safe place to live is at the base of the pyramid,
Of the things necessary for stable mental health;

It will just be an even longer story of struggle,
And of overcoming them,
By the end,
Just got to keep going,
And I know that even this period, with all the challenges,
I’ll look back on and be proud of myself.

There’s safety only in living properly in the moment,
And being happy with and grateful for each moment as it is,

(Apart from harsh and sporadic external noises etc),
That’s it.


10 thoughts on “I Will Overcome It The Bastard

      1. Great!! Yeah it was a really positive thing to see! πŸ˜€

        I bet the astronauts couldn’t wait to get off the planet!! 😬


    1. Thank you Natalie. I am doing better with that today :).

      It’s to do with the fact that I’m not being kind to myself by not getting outside and getting the sunshine I need, or other things. And also I need to have some kind of activity to feel good in the day, doing something productive, but I was spending so much time just anxiously worrying.

      But I’ve done much better today. I’ve repeatedly had very good periods, but they get interrupted by my body clock going out of sync, some thing happens in the house which stresses me, or something.

      But anyway, much better today :). And I’m looking forward to having my scooter working, which can’t come soon enough! I ordered the last part I need, from France, on Thursday. So obviously it hasn’t moved over the weekend xD. By end of next week I should have it.

      Still positives which I’m reminding myself of and I’ve had even more determination to overcome the doubting so that I can look after myself.

      Liked by 1 person

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