Meta-Meta F***ed Up Mental Rituals

Why do I do this to myself?
When I start to gain a feeling of clarity,
Of present-ness,
And enjoyment or satisfaction from something,

β€”Such as cleaning the scooter outside,
(As the next step towards getting it fixed),
Enjoying being out in the sun, for once,
After enjoying none of the last year’s Summer,
Immune and numb to the sunshine, what a horror…

After all of that, all of this time,
To begin to feel the difference,
Sparks a counter-anxietyβ€”
Oh, shit, that’s what I’ve been missing,
β€”Wait, I just have to check,
It definitely makes this much difference…?
Go back to the old way, just to compare,
Come back to the new, more relaxed state,
No, I didn’t do it right…
And so this little mental game, this mental torture becomes a repetitive, drawn-out ritual because it wasn’t done just right…

Anxieties, not done just right,

You see how f***ed up my mind and anxious states had become?
Meta-meta rituals which have to be done just right,
So consuming lots of time and making me feel even worse;

So, there you have it,
Now I’ve explained it,
It’s been heard and understood…(or possibly not!),
I’ll just go back to enjoying the sun and the summery feelings.

I feel like I could construct a ‘family tree’ of the various mental routines,
Then obsess over the details and it all being logically consistent,
But imagine showing that to a therapistβ€¦πŸ˜…πŸ€£.


13 thoughts on “Meta-Meta F***ed Up Mental Rituals

    1. Thank you very much, and very well said! Totally, humour is the best thing πŸ˜„. πŸ’™


    1. Thanks so much! I really appreciated that comment earlier. It was the icing on the cake, after writing that out. Really helped me to move on :).

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Did you ever think how even anxiety can be addictive even though is not pleasant (but it is familiar-we tend to go for familiar sometimes even if it’s unpleasant).
    Just thinking πŸ€”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha, yes I have thought of that before actually! And I’ve seen a guy say in a talk that thinking is addictive, and I think for us overthinkers (or mentally hyperactive people) it definitely is addictive. I think ADHD and OCD have that in commonβ€” both lead to lots of spontaneous and widely-ranging thoughts!

      Anxiety definitely stimulates thinkingβ€” so maybe unconsciously we’re drawn to it out of a love for thinking? It’s an excuse to think!

      Also, humans have evolved to be problem-solvers. Humans really like having problems to solve, and in another talk I watched, a motivational speaker was saying thisβ€” that we shouldn’t aim to eliminate problems, because we need them.

      So I think what you just said could tie into those ideas well!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The idea of thinking being addictive:

        I spent ages trying to find the one with the idea of needing problems to solve πŸ˜†, but it was by a motivational speaker whose talk I watched once (Mel Robbins I’m sure), because somebody suggested it. But I personally don’t like ‘motivational’ talks, and they just make me anxious (especially at the moment when my limiting factor is the kind of thing I mentioned in this poem). Motivational talks are usually the least compassionate thing ever, lol. Not good when you have proper mental health problems.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. The best motivational talks for me are the ones that are the least compassionate.
        You need compassion to comfort yourself when you’re in acute pain (mental or physical, doesn’t matter), but not to grow. To grow you need some toughness. But that’s just my opinion though.
        Thanks for the video.


      3. And I feel like this Eckhart Tolle guy and this video in particular are clichΓ©s πŸ˜†. Nevertheless it does have good ideas in it and his compassionate manner is genuinely helpful! πŸ˜„


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