Why do I do this to myself?
When I start to gain a feeling of clarity,
And enjoyment or satisfaction from something,
—Such as cleaning the scooter outside,
(As the next step towards getting it fixed),
Enjoying being out in the sun, for once,
After enjoying none of the last year’s Summer,
Immune and numb to the sunshine, what a horror…
After all of that, all of this time,
To begin to feel the difference,
Sparks a counter-anxiety—
Oh, shit, that’s what I’ve been missing,
—Wait, I just have to check,
It definitely makes this much difference…?
Go back to the old way, just to compare,
Come back to the new, more relaxed state,
No, I didn’t do it right…
And so this little mental game, this mental torture becomes a repetitive, drawn-out ritual because it wasn’t done just right…
Anxieties, not done just right,
You see how f***ed up my mind and anxious states had become?
Meta-meta rituals which have to be done just right,
So consuming lots of time and making me feel even worse;
So, there you have it,
Now I’ve explained it,
It’s been heard and understood…(or possibly not!),
I’ll just go back to enjoying the sun and the summery feelings.
I feel like I could construct a ‘family tree’ of the various mental routines,
Then obsess over the details and it all being logically consistent,
But imagine showing that to a therapist…😅🤣.