I could have done this earlier…
No, I couldn’t,
Because I wasn’t motivated to;
Why wasn’t I motivated to do it earlier?
Because I’m lacking in social contact,
And because I’m tired,
And because dissociative anxious body tics have made even the most basic things difficult and stressful, never mind the OCD stuff too,
And because I’ve been really lacking encouragement for most of my life, and I really thrive on encouragement;
Why am I lacking in social contact?
Because of my turbulent two-year history,
And because of the lockdown situation,
Why am I tired?
Because I can’t keep a consistent sleep routine,
From having to navigate the stresses of housemates,
And from struggling to find a compromise which reduces stress;
Also, too often, one of them wakes me up by knocking on the window;
Why do I have dissociative anxious habits?
Because of my stressful last several years,
Particularly the last two;
Why do I have such big problems with OCD?
Because I was genetically-predisposed to it,
And my childhood environment and traumatic experiences feasibly made it worse,
Nevermind the adulthood experiences, too;
Why have I been lacking encouragement?
Because I’ve rarely been understood or properly listened to,
And had the emotional support and time I needed to address the difficulties I’ve been facing;
I hadn’t met enough of the right people;
Well, then,
I was doing well just then!
Before this pang of doubt,
I was enjoying having a shower the most I have in about two years;
None of the above is surprising at all,
When even something as simple and supposedly-enjoyable as having a hot shower,
Has been a drawn-out painful mental torture for so long;
Just keep doing what I was doing π,
I was doing well! Really well.
Any single moment of feeling good or even relaxed is an absolute blessing,
Regardless of the time of day,
Or the state of opportunities taken or missed;
If those moments can be prolonged,
All the strength to me!
Yeah, I’m right,
Of course I am! Lol.
πͺ
π»πππππ
π πΆπ πͺππππ πͺ 
It’s so important to reflect on self. It connects you to your soul. Great post my friend π
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Thank you :). I’ve done an awful lot of that over time but writing it out with understanding people reading it is definitely a lot more significant :D. Thanks for reading! π
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My pleasure my friend! I agree. I write in my journal, do walking meditations but when I formally write it out on my blog it feels more firm. That’s been one of the best gifts of this lockdown. Loads of time to sit with myself which I love to doπ
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“Loads of time to sit with myself which I love to do”
Oh dear, I’ve done far too much of that, lol, not balanced by being able to express it so I have a big backlog to get through!
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I get that, I really do!! The formula I try to adhere to is sit, journal, process and shareπ
You do what feels right for you my friend. Truth is beautiful no matter how it is expressedβ€
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Thanks! Well, I don’t particularly like ‘sitting’, lol. My reflection tends to go on when I’m just stuck through anxiety, or whilst doing other things, haha.
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Ah, well there is some truth. The choice is to sit or get stuck. The balance cones when you can slow down the process Robin. I speak from experience my friend. Nowadays, I do whatever I can to not be stuck, keep my energy moving, making space for emotional upheaval. Exercise. Dancing. Stuff like that. You are a beautiful soul and I enjoy reading your transmissions π
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Thank you very much for that comment! I appreciate it ππ.
“Nowadays, I do whatever I can to not be stuck, keep my energy moving”
This is also a truth I have found to be the thing to aim for! It doesn’t matter whether I’ve been stuck, nor for how long, but that whenever I realise that, just to get the energy moving again :). And those stuck periods get shorter.
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