I could have done this earlier…
No, I couldn’t,
Because I wasn’t motivated to;
Why wasn’t I motivated to do it earlier?
Because I’m lacking in social contact,
And because I’m tired,
And because dissociative anxious body tics have made even the most basic things difficult and stressful, never mind the OCD stuff too,
And because I’ve been really lacking encouragement for most of my life, and I really thrive on encouragement;
Why am I lacking in social contact?
Because of my turbulent two-year history,
And because of the lockdown situation,
Why am I tired?
Because I can’t keep a consistent sleep routine,
From having to navigate the stresses of housemates,
And from struggling to find a compromise which reduces stress;
Also, too often, one of them wakes me up by knocking on the window;
Why do I have dissociative anxious habits?
Because of my stressful last several years,
Particularly the last two;
Why do I have such big problems with OCD?
Because I was genetically-predisposed to it,
And my childhood environment and traumatic experiences feasibly made it worse,
Nevermind the adulthood experiences, too;
Why have I been lacking encouragement?
Because I’ve rarely been understood or properly listened to,
And had the emotional support and time I needed to address the difficulties I’ve been facing;
I hadn’t met enough of the right people;
I was doing well just then!
Before this pang of doubt,
I was enjoying having a shower the most I have in about two years;
None of the above is surprising at all,
When even something as simple and supposedly-enjoyable as having a hot shower,
Has been a drawn-out painful mental torture for so long;
Just keep doing what I was doing 😄,
I was doing well! Really well.
Any single moment of feeling good or even relaxed is an absolute blessing,
Regardless of the time of day,
Or the state of opportunities taken or missed;
If those moments can be prolonged,
All the strength to me!
Yeah, I’m right,
Of course I am! Lol.