How Easy Would A Jailbreak Be?

How can it be this scary,
And difficult,
To break the long monotony of this post-trauma suffering?
To break the long monotony of OCD-imposed limitations?
And to take the first step, to finally try reading again,

Why is it so intimidating,
To picture actually getting back into those things,
As if to do so,
Is the greatest expression of wistful feeling at what you’ve been held back from doing for all this time?

I’ll tell you what’s scary,
Is the fact of just how physically easy these things are,
Once the mental barrier has been lowered,

I could pick up that book right now,
And in mere moments regain that voracious reading of interesting books,
Which used to be such a big and joyful part of my life,
For so many years;

It would be difficult to keep it going for more than mere moments,
Against the pull of reading OCD, irritation and frustration,
But I know I can do it for at least one page, then stop,
And with even more discomfort I could make it to 2, or 10 pages,
Depending on how much strain I can take,
Or maybe, in the best case, it wouldn’t even be uncomfortable this time;

But either way, the fact is that it’s physically possible to pick up that book right now,
And read as many pages as I have the concentration for,
Which would be an awful lot.

It’s also physically possible to ignore this intense irritation that has overcome me towards the end of this poem,
And stop the same reading OCD which is preventing me from even proof-reading and finishing it.

Now, this therefore might not be perfect,
But I’m going to physically press publish then read some of that book,
Even though I’m hungry and I should technically eat something fi—

The great, great irony of the writing of this ending, was that the ‘Save’ buttons in Word fucking Press were all disabled, so I took a screenshot of all of that then hopefully-refreshed the page. But all was lost, so I’ve just had to type it all out again, and therefore immediately failed that promise which I so ardently wrote 😉. (I was eventually able to laugh at the absurdity of it, though 🤣). But then again, that promise was just another mental prison. And we’re not doing mental prisons. 💙

🌪