Running Away

No warning at all,
Snapping suddenly,
Right, you’re for it,
Look of a monster;

It’s just as well,
That I was great at running away,
Fuelled with adrenaline,
And absolute terror,

Up the stairs, into the bathroom,
Lock the door, out of the window;

Down the street, around the corner,
Not a chance in the world of keeping up;

Up the stairs, into my bedroom,
Barricade the door, steps as followsβ€”

Big wooden toy box,
Chair,
Between the door,
And the bed,
Absolutely no chance of getting past all that,
Lmao 😁;

Apart from the day when he smashed down the door,
With a hammer,
Just like in The Shining 😨;

Fuck;

I don’t care what others used to tell me,
My family was fucked,
As far as I could tell!

Yetβ€”
“Are you coming to counselling, Robin?
To talk about you?
And you alone?
…What, why on Earth would we look at ourselves!?”;

That lasted long (about 2 sessions).

πŸŒͺ

18 thoughts on “Running Away

  1. Robin, this is heart wrenching!
    Your father sounds like he truly was a monster!
    As parents our role is to protect and love our children and so many parents have failed their children in that respect!
    I am sorry you went through so much trauma but I see you now a bright spirit that shines brightly!
    Carry on brave warrior!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It was just in those moments he went into a mode which made me think he was definitely going to kill me. The look was so cold and the striding towards me so purposeful. And I was the only one of my siblings who experienced that side so whenever they saw it, it was all blamed on me. Nobody could relate to my situation, nobody ever sided with me or said anything comforting.

      I can’t really say he was a monster because he did loads of good things. It was just that these bad things were so extreme, and it all added to my bad reputation. It was all just extremely non-empathetic ways of viewing situations and of trying to solve them. And never accepting anything which is perceived as criticism, even when it’s not criticism. That had disastrous effects.

      They never wanted to say sorry to me because in their view, it would also add to my perceived narcissistic, self-righteous and controlling personality. I was viewed in such pejorative terms. It really biased how I saw myself for a long time.

      I can only ever describe typical examples of these kinds of events, because they were so normal and there were so many, even just the ones I can remember. It’s just been hitting me how weird that is to view those events as normal. That many of them on their own would’ve been a significant event for most people, perhaps.

      But it’s very healing for the child me inside to have these things heard and understood, by people who know me as me!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Robin, I am so glad to know your father did a lot of good things but there is definitely nothing normal for a father to act is such rage toward his son.
        I am glad your inner child has found healing by being heard and understood!
        We all need peace in our souls, without peace it’s a sad and lonely life!
        I see you as being your own best friend and to be a friend to ourselves is a magical feat!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks again! You were very right with this message :), a lot of the things in it stuck with me.

        “I see you as being your own best friend” πŸ˜„.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Whenever I have a misunderstanding with somebody, where they misjudge my intentions as being bad, it brings up all of these feelings intensely. Whenever somebody questions my integrity or moral intent, it makes me feel very lonely and distraught!

      I’ve been determined to stick to my principles including of not lying, since the age of 10. The more open I am, the more I will be understood and the good will be obvious. I always knew that eventually, my perceptions would be vindicated if I stuck to these principles :D.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha!! Thank you! ‘Beautiful’ is one word, lol πŸ˜†. Yes, I guess they are, I just re-read it with somebody else’s perspective, and it really would be! The fact that I don’t even see that myself, because it’s such a familiar situation and feeling, is kind of revealing!

      I just had the idea to write some fictional thing with a beginning like that…lol.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Pooja! It’s not really a raw thing now, at least :). Just something I wanted to record, and articulate in this way. My mind had been thinking over it the last few days. πŸ’™

      I also wanted to put it out there for other people experiencing similar things. It seems not too uncommon for autistic families, and there are a lot of aspects to it which are classically autistic things.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Funny it only just occurred to me how absurd it was to be climbing out of windows and locking myself into rooms, fearing for my life, lol.

      I feel like I’ve been lucky, since it only got worse over time, but I managed to get out at the age of 18 and begin my ‘actual’ life. Probably just in time.

      Liked by 1 person

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