Captive

I’ve been held captive,
In my own mind,

And a crucial factor in moving onwards,
Is to revel in the freedom,
Of looking forwards;

I’ve long been fascinated by other peoples’ stories,
Stories of people who have survived immense hardships,
Who have survived long periods of isolation,
And restriction of their freedoms;

It’s become conclusively clear to me,
That recovery from past traumas rests on at least these two pillarsβ€”

β€”Revelling in the freedom of now, and looking forwards optimistically,
β€”Calmly maintaining a nonjudgemental viewpoint of the current situation;

And OCD has held me captive,
OCD absolutely has that power over your mind;

This overall period of trauma and captivity,
β€”The acute traumas which happened, and the time which they spanned,
β€”The ongoing mental captivity of dissociative mental habits and OCD ritualising,

That whole span of time, together,
β€”That is my period of trauma and captivity,
From which I aim to survive and recover;


One such story which inspires me, is the story of Jaycee Dugard,
β€”If ever there was anybody who needed the ability to look forwards hopefully,
It’s her,

And from what I can see (and soon to read),
She does that exceptionally;

In her I see my own playful ability to revel in and make fun of the moment,
Despite what has happened,
And in spite of it;

That optimistic undercurrent,
Which has been held captive for so long,
By all of this;

It just became clear to me, in a moment,
That I can’t keep judging myself, for the actions which I may not have taken,
And a lot of this judgement has been enabled by lack of outside support;
I’ve had no consistent reinforcing of my own self-worth, and of my own progress,
In any structured way,
There’s no one person there to observe my successes and setbacks;

All of that, I’ve had to obtain through writing on here,
And become that therapist which I need,
With the help of other people,
And it is starting to pay off;
I’m slowly making the connections that I needed,
And there are so many people out there,
I look forward to meeting many more.


Jaycee Dugard was held captive for 18 years from age 11 to 29. She finally regained her freedom on August 26th, 2009. She faced a long period of recovery to anything like a normal life, but recover she did.

With the knowledge of everything that she’d experienced in my mind, this one small moment made me believe that it’s always possible to move on from mental anguish (1m15s):

She has the strength and bravery to not let the past consume her future. And I ask myselfβ€” so was that worth it? By resolutely looking forwards and embracing what’s possible now, was it possible to achieve a future where she felt worthy, despite the captivity and the lost years which could so easily have consumed her with regret? And the answer is resoundingly yes.

I just consider the effect that her own positivity has had on me alone, in that one brief moment of daring to feel joy, and I have a lot of the answers which I needed.

We may not ever be as strong as Jaycee Dugard, nor try to claim to be, but for me she symbolises potential inner strength that you couldn’t conceive of having.

πŸŒͺ

10 thoughts on “Captive

    1. Thanks so much Cassa πŸ™‚. I’ve gained so much inspiration from her story! I’ve also often thought of Nelson Mandela during periods of being housebound or other physical restrictions.

      Like

    1. Thank you Margie! πŸ™‚. A strange thing for me was I landed in California the day before she was found, and because of that I didn’t really see the news for a while until I started buying newspapers during my long solo trip. I don’t remember any big moment of hearing about the news at the time. But I just imagine it was a huge thing in the news that day! I was busy house partying and playing beer pong with other Californians! All the while I was walking amongst a population of people who must have been quite riveted by this story. I was also walking around on the Berkeley university campus a few weeks after she was first spotted there. Learning about the coincidences afterwards made the story a bit more touching.

      Like

    2. I swear every time I glance at my diary from that trip, I see a funny story:

      “Anyway that hardly matters, as a short while later I was sitting on a bench near Peet’s Coffee & Tea reading a book and cooling down when my friend Nicole (who I met on a ski trip two years ago in France), gave me a call to say that she was available to meet up. Amazingly, she had just left Peet’s Coffee & Tea and so by a rather big cooincidence we were only about fifty yards apart. Nevermind that Berkeley itself is big, the campus is also huge.”

      Like

      1. (I’d messaged her previously on facebook saying I was around of course though!).

        Like

  1. I too found her story so inspiring and hopeful. I really enjoy when you write like this my friend. Show us a peek inside and heal your heart. It’s beautiful. It’s serves to not only help you but so many others. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing. Hugs my friend😊

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks so much for your comment and feedback! Great to know that you like these and find them helpful.

      I think her story can be intimidating to some, which is fair enough, but if you are able to stomach it, the lessons and optimism she gives make up for it. It’s great that you’ve found her inspiring too :D. It’s simply an incredible story. πŸ€—

      Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s