It’s Not All On Me

The cause of so many tragic scenarios in my life,
β€”When a person pushes me, and pushes me, and pushes,
And keeps pushing,
Beyond which I can prevent a reaction to,

To the point where even though I could prevent a reaction,
By hanging up the phone, for example,
They’ve pushed me to the point where I don’t want to,
Before I’ve expressed how they’ve pushed me to feel;

The crux of the problem isβ€”
The things which wind me up to the point of explosion,
Are different, but every bit as valid as,
The things which wind them up to the point of explosion;

What pushes me to that point are things like:
Repeating a point, which I’ve understood and agreed with,
Over and over,
Which is itself very patronising,
And also saying it in a condescending way;

Then, when I try to express that it’s getting very frustrating,
All of this unnecessary repeating,
Talking to me in this way, when I am being respectful,
β€”When I have to keep expressing that,
They get annoyed, and respond with something incisive, likeβ€”

“Oh, so a discussion is just you talking to me,
And I’m not allowed to respond?”

NO! We had the discussion,
We both agreed,
Why do we need to keep going back to it?
Why do you need to keep talking to me like I’m an idiot?

I honestly can’t explain these kinds of misunderstandings,
But I do have some ideasβ€”

Perhaps, people just aren’t used to other people,
Agreeing so readily,
And understanding so quickly?
Especially in, an already-stressful moment?

Perhaps, the way that I quietly open myself to and accept new ideas,
Without fanfare,
Perhaps it’s perceived as not truly understanding?
Or not taking it seriously?

I don’t know,
But when others judge my integrity,
Or worse, assume malevolent intentionsβ€”

“Oh, so a discussion is just you talking to me,
And I’m not allowed to respond?”

I can’t even tell you how painful that is,
It leads to a panic attackβ€”
Makes me question our very friendshipβ€”
Why would a friend do this?
Why would they so wilfully misunderstand me, when I’ve been so clear?

Destroying a friendship over nothing,
All these thoughts,
Ground slipping beneath me,

It makes me panic and explode;

And then, here’s another crux of the problemβ€”
Once you’ve expressed your emotions in such an explosive way,
People get all high and mightyβ€”
From then on, there’s nothing you can defend about what you did,
There’s nothing to be criticised in what the other person did,
There’s no attempt to understand my perspective,
And how they were winding me up,
And how I tried so desperately to avoid it,
But they insisted on repeating what was frustrating me,
When it was all just so unnecessary;

And, invariably,
They want me to say sorry,
Which, is fine, and I usually do,
But I do it with no expectation of a sorry back,
And, invariably,
I do not get one back.
Ever.

And this has really been stressing me, lately,
Because an example occurred so recently,
With the person who’s most been supporting me,
And has been such a good friend;

And the moment I messaged to say sorry,
I got back a long message about an anger management course,
All of these mitigation things,
Which were all about me;

But what I hope they’ll be able to understand, is that:
As stressful and inappropriate as they thought my reaction was,
Was only in exact proportion to how stressful and inappropriate what they were doing, was;

Moreover,
None of this is implying that I was not, and am not,
Grateful for how they were trying to help,
Which is how it’s so often perceived;

I truly was grateful, and still am now,
You just have to understand,
How much these things that you say in the heat of the moment,
Hurt me too,
And understand, how I was being completely open and honest with you,
In how it was making me feel,
And how all of this came before I resorted to shouting;

Too many friendships,
And family relationships,
Lost over nothing.

πŸŒͺ

14 thoughts on “It’s Not All On Me

    1. Sigh. This leads to complicated and messy conclusions.

      Yes, in the case of family members, I’d very much agree, in that the effects of what they were doing amounted to manipulation. But I still have a very hard time believing that that was the conscious intention, even in those examples. It’s also very true, that I never experienced what I did at home, outside of it, except extremely rarely.

      And in this case, if I believed it was manipulation, then that would wipe out this friendship and being able to make use of the gardening project, since she runs it. That would be a huge loss, and it would also be inexplicable given how much she’s helped me, and how kind she’s been. No, in this case I see it as naivety. And I do think my ideas on how I think differently, understand things quicker than most, has a part.

      It was also a stressful situation for her, since she phoned me back at 5amβ€” I never intended for her to do that, but she told me she never silences her phone at night, so my whatsapp messages instantly woke her up. So it was never a good time for her, and it makes sense that she’d struggle even more to understand me, in that situation.

      I just worry that the fact I got so stressed in response, and ended up shouting, will wipe out the ability to give me the benefit of the doubt, after the fact.

      One last thing I also don’t relate to, not that I judge it, but just don’t relate to itβ€” why shouting is this invisible line that’s been crossed, as if you’d hit somebody? To me, it’s not. Shouting in itself is not intimidating to me, so doesn’t affect my judgement of morality in these things. I may be emotionally sensitive, but not to physical things like that. I guess everyone has a different line! But still, if somebody hit me in response to me repeatedly pushing them on something they’ve already told me about, I’d hardly be surprised. I just would never have pushed them like that.

      Thanks so much for reading this Cassa! I really appreciate it! I really needed to express these thoughts and ideas.

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  1. Regulating our own thoughts /emotions / behaviours is so difficult sometimes – hearing / understanding and trying to reason with those of others can be downright impossible.
    Seems to me like you’ve done well on both fronts here my friend πŸ–€

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I do really feel that I’m good at that, and it really hurts when I’m trying to express that, but the other person is seemingly resisting, not getting that I’m understanding them even.

      I can’t tell you how many situations I’ve been in, where I’m seeing a misunderstanding evolving between two people, and I can see exactly what’s going on. At times I’ve been able to help them resolve it quickly before it gets to an argument, such as between parents.

      I just have an ability to see right through to what’s motivating somebody to say something when it’s from the heart, and the mental picture that they have. It’s an intuition.

      I guess this is going to be one of my life’s ongoing challenges. If all of that is true, and if it’s as rare as it seems, then I need to get back to meditating so I simply have more patience even in those scenarios, and more strength to let it slide and remain humble, even when I desperately need their help and understanding.

      That’s it! Meditating starts today!

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  2. Expressing yourself is difficult especially when you feel like the person you’re talking to isn’t listening to what you’re trying to tell them. It takes two hands to clap and one person alone should not be blamed for a disagreement.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “It takes two hands to clap and one person alone should not be blamed for a disagreement.”

      Thank you! I’ve been strongly feeling this since that conversation. The only time that is not true, is when somebody is acting without any rationality. So when a disagreement gets blamed entirely on me, that’s what it’s instantly implying, and that is the worst insult I can actually imagine, for somebody who holds myself so strongly to rationality, fairness and integrity.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah I understand why you would find that frustrating but I’ve realised that there are some people who will do anything to blame others entirely and never take into account their actions. There’s nothing that can be done about it- I’ve learned to just live with it.

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    1. Wow, thanks!! I hope it helped πŸ€—πŸ’™

      You’re literally the most encouraging person I’ve ever met πŸ˜„. You’ve actually had a big part in the creation of all these poems which you’re enjoying! So time well invested I say πŸ˜‰

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Robin,it actually did help me! Thank you!
        I very seldom think of that day with Debbie but when I do think of it I try to understand why she did what I did but I know that my conscience is completely clear!

        How very kind of you to say that about my being encouraging, I think I learned it from mama πŸ™‚
        I love it to know I could have any part in your poems!
        That brings great joy to me, Robin. ❀

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      2. I meant why she did what she did! LOl
        I did nothing except save my life and sitting quietly and getting out of her place in a quiet and calm manner.

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