Towards A Bottleneck

I just want to write,
It’s the only thing which makes sense,
And it’s the only thing which can keep me going;
It has saved my life,
On more than one occasion;

And now I am screaming at my screen,
At a repeated typo,
Preventing me from doing this necessary writing;

This is all part of the path,
Towards another mental health bottleneck,
Which I see myself heading for,
And, just like before,
I’m powerless to avoid it;

It’s happened over and over againβ€”
Firstly, staying with my parents,
How they were setting me back,
‘Gaslighting’ me, and all sorts of trauma;

Then when they locked me out,
Homeless, in my car,
I saw what was to come,
And had to somehow survive it;

Then, I stayed with my aunt,
Which became stressful in its own waysβ€”
The environmental noise,
Was truly horrific;

That bottleneck almost killed me, too,
As she phoned the police for my screaming;
The betrayal almost destroyed me,
As did the abandonment at 3am on a Friday night,
By police at a Holiday Inn,
Whom were expecting me to pay for it,
Which I was unaware of, because I had blocked ears,
β€”Now that was a stressful conversation,
I would not want to repeat;

So, really,
3am on a Friday night,
Abandoned by all family members,
Abandoned by police,
With exactly no money,
And no home,
I ended up in the hospital A&E,
I could not think of anything else;

That was at the beginning of November,
And now it traumatises me to see,
That I’m heading on a similar path,
Because black swans are congregating.

(Nothing to do with Coronavirus, it’s all housemate- and noise-inflicted).


21 thoughts on “Towards A Bottleneck

    1. Thanks a lot Ashley!

      Writing that gave me the idea to write more about some of my stories of survival, because it definitely did help. A lot of it I can only come to appreciate long afterwards, because at the time, these events were often incremental differences from the current situation, but looking back they are each major things.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Robin, as I read this my heart is breaking for you!
    I wish there was something I could say or do to help you!
    Life can truly suck!
    You deserve so much better!
    Please, take care! xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. πŸ’™πŸ’™πŸ’™πŸ’™πŸ’™

      Thanks so much. Just your support and comments go a long long way, believe me! πŸ€—. I always bounce back πŸ™‚

      I’m so glad to have so many points of contact and support now.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. πŸ˜€ thank you! I do actually have an effective one already, with my ear plugs and noise-cancelling headphones. They really blog out everything especially with music playing πŸ™‚


    2. But the months of suffering from noise definitely took a cumulative toll. I was recovering, but housemate stress was getting overwhelming, especially as I’m around them more than ever now.

      Well, there is one major new source of noiseβ€” a housemate who usually works is now around all the time, and he seems to run and stomp round everywhere. I can feel through the floor when he comes down the stairs and goes through the hallway!! He’s the sort of person who cooks in the kitchen topless and comes in and takes over the room whilst you’re in it!! And shouts on the phone extremely loud. You know the kind? πŸ€¦β€β™‚οΈ


      1. Oh wow! Yes, I feel the same as you! I am born to live in the huuuuuge outdoors! I love wide open spaces. Everything is too intense indoors with people around.


      2. Our sensitivities are better-used to detect faint rustlings in bushes and then take out our anger on the predatory animal fucker responsible.

        See, just imagining a hyena endangering my fictional tribal community and family ignites rage and adrenaline in me!


      3. Lol! Yeah I was going further back in time haha. A hyena’s stupid smiling screeching face seemed appropriate 😁. I have one in my house.

        Cave bear reaminds me of Jean Auel’s book seriesβ€” have you read it?


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