Doing My Best, What Can I Say?

I need help with this stuff,
I just mess up,

By the time my sleeping was sorted out,
Things were messed up,

And it’s really hard to motivate myself, sometimes,
After two years of this stuff,

To do the things which are difficult,
Bureaucratic and boring;

And the last few days,
Have been so slow and un-useful,

Delaying the boring tasks,
But doing nothing at all,
Which has left me feeling horrible,
And alone;

This is not like me, of course,
For I thrive on teamwork and encouragement,
But in my life, of just me,
Only I see the result;

By the time my sleeping was sorted out,
I’d missed a PIP assessment,
Because I couldn’t find Google Maps;

Seriouslyβ€” I left with one hour to spare,
Expecting to use Google Maps to get me there,
But it had disappeared!
I had no idea where!

And it could only be Google Maps,
Because I had to use offline maps,
So I attempted to drive there, it wasn’t far,
But it’s a very specific route,
Through the town centre,
And it was a rush hour,

Needless to say,
I didn’t get me there,
And as for Google Maps?
They’d simply changed the logo…πŸ€¦β€β™‚οΈ;

That was a few weeks ago,
And through all the stress and bad sleep,
I didn’t have the motivation or time to phone them up,
So, I have to begin it all over again πŸ˜‚;

It’s hilariously bad.

But I’m doing my best, what can I say?

More urgent than that,
Is appealing the Work Capability decision,
I have to make a phone call,
To request more information;

I have to find within me, again,
A source of inspiration,
β€”That I will, as I’ve always done,

It’s always just that bit too late,

And this is all too much to keep bottled up,
β€”Only me knows this stuff,
Up until now…

No one to ask me, how has it gone?
No one to ask me, do you need help with that?

The stress has overwhelmed me,
So I’ve got even less done;

And I hate it,
Because I’ve been really inspired for music,
But a week has flown by,
β€”I haven’t done any of it.

πŸŒͺ

20 thoughts on “Doing My Best, What Can I Say?

    1. Thank you Maja. It’s never been enough, and won’t be, because I have these things to do for survival that I can’t do. If I could just focus on recovery my best would be so much greater.

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    2. But to hell with it. There’s no point neither surviving nor even enjoying writing and music for as long as I can survive. So I will enjoy those things until I can no longer survive, I guess. That’s better.

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      1. I can’t judge, because I know very well how to survive, but still nothing about how to actually live and breathe a little, taking life less seroiusly… so, I’ll shush now. πŸ˜€

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      2. Ha! Well then we should exchange 🀣. I’m the opposite! Even now, I’m regaining my ability to breathe more than I could, but could do so much better. I find it very hard to find reasons to take life seriously when everybody’s so ridiculous.

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    3. I hate absolutely no way to gauge whether my ‘best’ is enough or not, because I have no feedback on anything other than what I do at Green Health, which is gardening. Any time someone gives me feedback on this other stuff it’s to give me negative feedback, when I run in with Universal Credit people for not getting things done that I needed to, or not making it to appointments.

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      1. I’m not surrounded by anyone, that’s the problem πŸ˜†. The only people I interact with regularly are the people I’ve met through WordPress, and Sara and the other clients at Green Health.

        I’ve been on my own for years, with nobody I can see for moral support or anything, or just basic things like go round for tea or whatever, nothing. I feel so disconnected and apathetic.

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      2. Surrounded… I meant everybody you have to deal with, offline, online, this way, that way…
        I know very well how it looks like not being surrounded by anyone. Been there, done that (still doin’ it kind of). Drop me a mail with some contact info, if you’re in for a chat from time to time

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thanks a lot! Yeah…I know what you mean. It’s just that it’s only in-person people who can help you with the important tasks, chat to you casually about them etc. Or give you the social contact which really refuels you to keep tackling them, helps you feel part of a community or something worth living for, or helps you to feel like you.

        Thanks so much with that offer! I may take it up sometime, especially with the coming isolation. I will need it. I don’t know how to mail you, but my email address is robin@rsmith.io.

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      4. Yet with so much potential to do so much, but I never feel free to use it or to relax.

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      5. Everyone’s going on about self-isolation but I’ve been in self-isolation for several years, it feels like. Only very recently it’s started to be broken since I’ve had the ability to sleep properly and block out sounds, so I can get to Green Health every week. That’s now been cancelled today though :).

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      6. And this isolation is stressful every day, for somebody who loves to be around people. Thanks so much for replying πŸ™‚ it’s really helped! πŸ’™. I’m getting out to the shop now quickly.

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    1. Thank you!

      There is more help I can call on from a charity who have helped me with this stuff a bit already, they were going to help me through the inevitable tribunal process for example with PIP…πŸ€¦β€β™‚οΈ. But accepting I need their help for all parts of it has made me feel better. So I’ve allowed myself to allow myself to feel good, and focus on doing what I need to, and everything else will have to work out.

      I’m just so used to receiving criticism for these ‘mistakes’ and never positive encouragement or anything, so mistakes tend to compound themselves. But it’s all irrelevant now. I need to stand up for what I need even more.

      Thank you!! πŸ’™ and indeed, I am currently indulging in engaging with those friends here, right now! Just reading the blogs of those people here and leaving comments is very comforting :).

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      1. You’ve got to take the help where you can get it and when you need it.
        We all do.
        Hard to accept but so much relief when you start.
        I’m glad we’ve got our wee community here – it makes all the difference during the darker days πŸ–€

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Well, it wasn’t that I was turning down any help nor asking. But about the level of detail of it. I can appear so functional and capable to people but when it comes to getting stuff done on my own, in isolation, can be useless with some things!

        It’s more that, given my history, and how this stuff has built up, I’ve realised I’m fundamentally quite incapable of those couple of things I need help with at the moment :). And also realised the impact they’re having day-to-day, from the stress!

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      3. So yes, totally agree with you πŸ€—πŸ’™. And agree on the relief πŸ™‚.

        Yes, the community here is incredible! And being able to write things when we need to and have some feedback and discussion from them. Amazing.

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