Unfortunate Uncertainty

I wrote this as a comment on the end of another poem yesterday,
But deleted it as I like to keep poems to one subject,
And thought it’s a perfectly good poem in itself,
And expresses how I was feeling for most of yesterday:

To be honest,
The day began stressfully,
Having to ask my dad again,
For even more money,

(And I desperately need to have no contact,
Of course,
For my ongoing and improving sanity.
Having to email them, and depend on them,
After what they did,
Makes me so angry, at times),

And with the ever-present fear,
It’ll stop with no warning,
Undoing all of this stuff,
That I’ve been doin

It puts more pressure on me,
To stop this tensing,
To stop the OCD,
So I can keep moving forwards…

But it’s ok,
As all I can do,
Is focus on the moment,
Keep doing my best,
And it’ll somehow work out…

Not guaranteed,
It might not be enough.

But all there is is today,
Right now,
Living in the universe, now.



16 thoughts on “Unfortunate Uncertainty

  1. Bravo Robin!
    Focus on the moment as best you can, it’s never easy, I know that so well as so many times in my day I go back and recall all the sufferings my sister went through and it’s so overwhelming and I break down!
    All we really have is today, tomorrow is not promised!
    Be strong!
    Remember the strong survive!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh man, Margie. It’s good to be reminded about your sister’s story. It does help to put things into perspective. It won’t stop me having a bad reaction to all these sounds, but it can help in the aftermath, to be stronger. And the same when I think about you having to live with those memories, and you not having your sister around. It really was/is a nightmare. Surely you must sometimes think, that I have it easy? πŸ€·β€β™‚οΈ.

      I’ve been doing much better today, specifically from late afternoon onwards. I’ve gained a lot of energy from taking the antidepressants at night instead of morningβ€” it’s made a big difference, and that medication-induced lethargy is the biggest demotivator. I’ve also been listening to death metal music, which I’ve never enjoyed before, but it’s expressing all my my angry/energy emotions perfectly! I’ve also been doing loads of pressups, which I’m getting back into and will lead to swimming again :). I think I would be able to benefit from swimming again now. Exercise really is the magical miracle cure for meβ€” I’ve already experienced OCD melting away temporarily just from that bit of energetic activity.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m still going, too, making the most of this energy, motivation and clearer mind :).

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes Robin it was and still is a nightmare for me losing my sister!
        The bad memories of all she went through tear my heart apart!
        I miss her so much and every morning I wake up and want to call her but I can’t and that is very heartbreaking for me.
        No, I do not think you have it easy, I would never think that as all the sufferings we all go through are so real and can have such a difficult impact on our lives!
        I feel your pain and I have empathy for you!

        I am so glad you are doing much better today! πŸ™‚
        Bravo πŸ™‚
        Exercise is also very good for me, so glad it’s helping you!
        Also it’s great the death metal music is helping with the angry emotions!
        I enjoy listening to music and it helps dealing with my grief.
        I too am doing quite well today, I spoke to a grief facilitator that runs a grief-share group and I will start going this coming Sat.
        There are 5 people in the group and I like that is is small as being around a whole bunch of people is not my forte.
        Guess what?
        Steve who is running the grief group I am joining lost his wife to ALS!
        The chances of that are so very, very slim, must have been destiny I picked this group.

        Sending you good vibes for continuous good days!
        I wish you peace and joy and strength, always!

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Thank you so much πŸ’™.

        That is incredible, Margieβ€” about the grief group and the incredible coincidence of sharing that experience with the person running it! It must indeed have been destiny! πŸ™‚πŸ’™.

        It also helps to illustrate that you really do need more support, as those groups in general would attract the people suffering the most. It’s easy to see why Steve would’ve been motivated to start it. I really hope the group and Steve help you! πŸ€—. I’m really happy for you!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. You do! It’s terrible to hear how much you’ve been suffering with the sadness :(πŸ’™.

        Guess what, I also have something hopeful coming this Sat! I’m about to write about it :D.


    2. Thank you so much Margie for your wisdom and encouragement, I really, really appreciate it! If you’d told me a year ago I’d be in just this situation alone, messaging you over wordpress, it would have been hard to believe, and truly something to keep going for!

      If I could believe in that general hope back then (that by however much inconvenience, money from my parents and near-misses it would take, I WOULD end up in a good situation), then I can believe in managing to stay focused in the moment now :).

      I’ve been doing a lot of pressups the last two days, as well as listening to some really good types of music which take me back to the times when I had such a good synergy between music, physical activity, motivation and mood.

      It’s honestly been so long (over a year) since I felt the full therapeutic effect of proper exercise (from swimming), but I’ve seen glimpses of it and I fully believe in the power of exercise to keep me free of OCD, and really remember how much it always fixed it for me (without knowing what OCD was).

      Anyway, I’m working towards being able to swim again at least :). Then in the spring/summer there’s a swimming lake here that I can swim in at weekends with a club :D.

      “All we really have is today, tomorrow is not promised!
      Be strong!”
      β€”Exactly! πŸ™‚πŸ’™.

      I can only imagine if I’d experienced what you experienced, with Terri, I’d be feeling so terrible for a very long time afterwards, too. It’s so, so hard, I don’t think there can be anything harder than that. πŸ’™. It’s just great that you’re keeping going, and doing things that are good for you with the knitting, and the holiday πŸ€—.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Hi Robin, I hope all goes well with you financially so you can maintain your independence and keep up all the amazing work you are doing. Congratulations! It all sounds so positive. Incidentally, I cannot do a push at all. Sit ups, yes, but press ups, no. The closest I can get to one is doing the plank in yoga. But I can live without them. πŸ˜ƒ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha :D. I have difficulty doing sit-ups because I need my feet very secure to be able to do themβ€” I’m very top-heavy xD.

      I’d be nothing without press-ups, I love them! I used to do 50 in a row no problem, lol. They’re the quickest way for me to relax in any situation πŸ˜„.

      Liked by 1 person

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